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:iconintricately-ordinary: More from intricately-ordinary


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Literature by Copperfrost

writing by Hfeather53

Poems Litterature Typography by TheForsakenGoddess


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Submitted on
November 17, 2012
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maybe you forgot how to
wake up without screaming.

she smiles like a broken dawn
and the meek will inherit the
earth, if they don't drown,
first. she's barely breathing;
trying to grow gills because
it's only in the state of dying
that we adapt.

and you won't see the colors
pouring out of her chest, you
won't hear the ebbing swansong
she hums so quietly.

you didn't come to be reminded.

you inject a little further, a little
closer to the heart.      numb.

(she died the day she
was given a name)

she made you promise never
to be a number, or a majority;
she made your heart beat in a way
that made you think you were alive,
but you can't believe in anything
that lasts longer than a minute.

you shut down. fingers
close around an empty bottle,
a flaccid tongue writhes
and it tastes bitter.

she's too close, you can hear
her thoughts unwind, you can
taste her mistakes. it's too real.

you were never human, you
tell yourself so you can be
convinced it was never valid.

she's too close and
her eyes are
blue.

numb.
Learning to forget but your eyes are blue, too.
loosely inspired by two Dance Gavin Dance songs

Read by the wonderful *disrhythmic [link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconacornbaby6:
acornbaby6 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012   General Artist
This is so beautiful. Stanzas two and seven just wow. Amazing. Just so good ...!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconwise-lies:
Wise-lies Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
this is one of your best pieces, i think. i just absolutely have fallen in love with your writing style and this feels like such an honest poem.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:iconlainloveplz: thank you so much! you're so lovely.
Reply
:iconconcora:
Concora Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012   Writer
she smiles like a broken dawn
and the meek will inherit the
earth, if they don't drown,
first.


Oh. Oh I like that.
I like all of this actually, of course. Beautifully haunting. Wonderful work, as always :heart:!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh, thank you so much! you're wonderful :tighthug:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012
Hello lovely. <3 I read this out loud and I'd love to put it up on the #Elocutionists blog ([link]). You can listen to my reading here: [link]

Let me know if you like it, yeah? I loved reading it. <3
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ADSJKGLGJASDLKGJDKAFK
I absolutely love it! :iconepiclaplz:!
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
:iconlawooplz: I'm so glad you like it! :heart:

Do I have your permission to post this over at #Elocutionists? :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
yes! certainly, yes! :love:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
It's up, dear! [link]

If you add that link to the description I can submit this to the #Elocutionists gallery. :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
done :la:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Reminds me of "I don't like your human".
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ohh I see what you mean. Yes, I was trying to touch on the vulnerability of people and the ingrained resentment others have for it.
Reply
:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It worked well.
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is just beautiful.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh my, thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Student Writer
This story... it's so sad... :tighthug:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle:
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Student Writer
:glomp:
Reply
:iconthypoetsorcerer:
ThyPoetSorcerer Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The more you reread it the better it gets...Truly a lovely piece. It made me think a bit of APC's song "Blue".
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Listening to it, I see what you mean. It's pretty spot-on. That's exactly what I'd hoped to show in my poem: a state where you were trying to block everything else out. Thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:iconthypoetsorcerer:
ThyPoetSorcerer Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
If you are saying that on top of being a wonderful writer you also listen to APC I'd tell you are my favorite Deviant right now.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I've been trying to listen to more variety, and I recently started listening to their music (:

I should totally be your favorite deviant though! :iconawkwardwinkplz: hahaha
Reply
:iconthypoetsorcerer:
ThyPoetSorcerer Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Let me put it this way, you are the first living person whose poetry inspires me to create. (And you listen to APC <3.)
Reply
:iconfoxeybabee:
Foxeybabee Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This genuinely made me cry, its so relevant to something thats been going on in my life recently that I had to read it a couple times over... thank you so much for this...
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry that it's relevant to your life and that you cried, but I'm so very honored you felt so close to it. Thank you so much for your kind comment, I wish you the best in your choices :heart:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
it's only in the state of dying
that we adapt.


--ain't that the truth. aptly put.

I like the end of this. it's cold.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much.

I was listening to Blue Dream and I was addicted to the way it ended by him asking "What color are your f**king eyes?" It just seemed so cold and cutting, which is what I wanted this to (hopefully) sound like.
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
welcome

it did.
Reply
:iconfebruaryblue:
februaryblue Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's interesting because with my situation one of the reasons I think it went downhill was because the guy was scared, and I feel like your poem captures this. "she's too close, you can hear / her thoughts unwind, you can / taste her mistakes. it's too real"
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry it turned out that way. Sometimes, I think, people are afraid of things getting real. I mean, really, people are afraid of just about everything. That's what I was trying to capture in this poem. That fear and desire to forget. Thank you for the comment :heart:
Reply
:iconfebruaryblue:
februaryblue Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome. It's alright - eventually people have to confront their fear. :)
Reply
:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
Ah.. I simply adore you. I was having the worst night.. and then I read this...and you did what no one has been able to do all day. You made me smile. I love this.. it's so..real. I can almost taste the bitterness, the despair, the slow trek to fade away to nothingness. Wonderful.

Fave lines:
"she smiles like a broken dawn
and the meek will inherit the
earth, if they don't drown,
first."

"but you can't believe in anything
that lasts longer than a minute. "

thank you so much for sharing this.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry you were having a bad night but I'm so absolutely thrilled I could make you smile! :la: My gosh, this comment really made my evening. I was beaming for about 5 minutes before responding. You are so sweet, thank you so much.
Reply
:iconfires-of-winter:
Fires-of-Winter Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
Another wonderful piece :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
the second and third stanzas are my favorite... and just so... RIGHT IN THE FEELS!!!!!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
aw, thank you so much! :love:
Reply
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