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Submitted on
August 27, 2012
File Size
1.7 KB


18 (who?)
I woke up this morning
and the sky was falling
I cried, because
it was bleeding, too
(and I wondered what happened to God
to make him shed such painful tears)

but they said it was only a sunrise
and I was being too loud.
I asked why it was that solar rays
ran in rivulets throughout
prominent moments of time
(like wars and funerals and departures
and those heavy events we pretend never happened)

but they ignored my cries
and the sunbeams that were entangled in my feet
and trailing behind me,
showing all the wrong turns I made
(they wouldn't see my limbs
raw, ragged, from running
with no destination in mind)

I guess I was a little too loud-
they can only hear you
when you're completely silent
and, by then, it's too late
because the sun has already set
(the opposite of a sunrise,
but they each have the same affect
because they both signal an end
of everything you've come to know)

it's too late for me, I think
God knows, too, and he weeps for me
bits of sky and bleeding sunrise

I'm growing quiet as I stop to nurse the universe
(already dead)
and it's only now they begin to hear


except the still
that comes when you're forsaken
(but they only hear nothing
because they never took the time
to heed my cries
or hold up the sky)

it's too late for me
I always felt that Chicken Little was a heavy idea for a kid's story. To tell the world your fears, and be told you're crazy seemed like a very complex thought to me.

That was my loose inspiration. But I also wanted to dive in much deeper and tell a much bigger story.

I hope I achieved that, as always, I love feedback :heart:
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Critique by ohio-writer Aug 29, 2012, 3:34:18 PM
There is such a rich amount meaning in this work; it really has a great feel and en even greater presentation. The way this piece is presented nearly leaves the audience out as they take a backseat to the actions of the speaker. Its actions and feelings can truly be felt as the piece surges through both confident and saddened depths as the confidence in one's personal thoughts becomes a matter to question - something that ends up creating an epic bout of personal strife.

The way this strife is presented is by the accompanying parenthetical phrases. It was quite a powerful tool to use here as it both separates and showcases the realities of the speaker. To create an abstract sense of awareness can be quite difficult, but with these pieces of sentence structure a writer is able to help distinguish between what is happening and what is perceived by the speaker. Aside from that is the richness of inner-dialog which is propagated by this type of construction - a wise choice indeed.

I do always bring question to making the emphasis by the font and not by the function of the words. You have clearly made such a beautiful set of mixing of dialog and action, yet it seems to be filtered unnecessarily by the addition of a different text. Besides that presentation, the words in italics were quite fantastic to read through - making this whole argument a bit frivolous in the end.

Some of these abstract piece tend to have a less concrete ending. A lot of times they refer to these irrational types as they oppose a normal structure. What is interesting is the abstract nature of finding the balance between both dialogues is represented by this stylistic choice.

Overall it has a lot of character and a neat style to present a full spectrum of ideas. This was a very nicely done piece - thanks for sharing.

- Ben M. Walls
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featherback Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This was so interesting to read, and incredibly written! I love how the font changes throughout, it gives subtle power to certain words and more of an impact to others. You are so talented, and know how to convey emotions in all the right ways. Everything of yours has that certain unidentifiable spark that just leaves me wondering. Beautiful!
intricately-ordinary Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I still loved the idea of someone who was a little crazy, after our collab. I wanted to experiment with various thoughts, and creating a poem where you weren't sure who was sane. Thank you so much for your incredible support! You have made my night :tighthug:
featherback Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome, I'm glad I could make your night! :iconmeowdanceplz:
0hgravity Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
"I asked why it was that solar rays
ran in rivulets throughout
prominent moments of time
(like wars and funerals and departures
and those heavy events we pretend never happened)"

my favorite part for the observation. I like specific details like these.

Overall an interesting read.
intricately-ordinary Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I had tried to write that- both thinking of solar rays as blood, and the fact that time rolls on steadily despite all problems.

Thank you for the comment, it means a lot.
0hgravity Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome :)
This is really well done. I appreciate that you've addressed the oddity of "being too loud" -- there is a curious tendency for people and/or chickens to quietly accept a tragic ending if they know it is coming. We need more noisemakers. Great job.
intricately-ordinary Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's sad, though- when you're loud, it makes it so people who can hear you, don't want to. Thank you for the thoughtful comment. (The part about chickens made me smile :D)
Sleyf Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hi there!

We liked this piece so much that it's been featured in out Weekly Round-up!

Thanks so much for writing it!
From the admin team of:
intricately-ordinary Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my goodness! I am so honored, I will love to go check all the other beautiful works out.
:iconexcitedlaplz: Thank you very much!
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