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I woke up this morning
and the sky was falling
I cried, because
it was bleeding, too
(and I wondered what happened to God
to make him shed such painful tears)


but they said it was only a sunrise
and I was being too loud.
I asked why it was that solar rays
ran in rivulets throughout
prominent moments of time
(like wars and funerals and departures
and those heavy events we pretend never happened)

but they ignored my cries
and the sunbeams that were entangled in my feet
and trailing behind me,
showing all the wrong turns I made
(they wouldn't see my limbs
raw, ragged, from running
with no destination in mind)


I guess I was a little too loud-
they can only hear you
when you're completely silent
and, by then, it's too late
because the sun has already set
(the opposite of a sunrise,
but they each have the same affect
because they both signal an end
of everything you've come to know)


it's too late for me, I think
God knows, too, and he weeps for me
bits of sky and bleeding sunrise

I'm growing quiet as I stop to nurse the universe
(already dead)
and it's only now they begin to hear

nothing

except the still
that comes when you're forsaken
(but they only hear nothing
because they never took the time
to heed my cries
or hold up the sky)


it's too late for me
I always felt that Chicken Little was a heavy idea for a kid's story. To tell the world your fears, and be told you're crazy seemed like a very complex thought to me.

That was my loose inspiration. But I also wanted to dive in much deeper and tell a much bigger story.

I hope I achieved that, as always, I love feedback :heart:
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:iconohio-writer:
Critique by ohio-writer Aug 29, 2012, 3:34:18 PM
There is such a rich amount meaning in this work; it really has a great feel and en even greater presentation. The way this piece is presented nearly leaves the audience out as they take a backseat to the actions of the speaker. Its actions and feelings can truly be felt as the piece surges through both confident and saddened depths as the confidence in one's personal thoughts becomes a matter to question - something that ends up creating an epic bout of personal strife.

The way this strife is presented is by the accompanying parenthetical phrases. It was quite a powerful tool to use here as it both separates and showcases the realities of the speaker. To create an abstract sense of awareness can be quite difficult, but with these pieces of sentence structure a writer is able to help distinguish between what is happening and what is perceived by the speaker. Aside from that is the richness of inner-dialog which is propagated by this type of construction - a wise choice indeed.

I do always bring question to making the emphasis by the font and not by the function of the words. You have clearly made such a beautiful set of mixing of dialog and action, yet it seems to be filtered unnecessarily by the addition of a different text. Besides that presentation, the words in italics were quite fantastic to read through - making this whole argument a bit frivolous in the end.

Some of these abstract piece tend to have a less concrete ending. A lot of times they refer to these irrational types as they oppose a normal structure. What is interesting is the abstract nature of finding the balance between both dialogues is represented by this stylistic choice.

Overall it has a lot of character and a neat style to present a full spectrum of ideas. This was a very nicely done piece - thanks for sharing.

- Ben M. Walls
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconfeatherback:
featherback Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This was so interesting to read, and incredibly written! I love how the font changes throughout, it gives subtle power to certain words and more of an impact to others. You are so talented, and know how to convey emotions in all the right ways. Everything of yours has that certain unidentifiable spark that just leaves me wondering. Beautiful!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I still loved the idea of someone who was a little crazy, after our collab. I wanted to experiment with various thoughts, and creating a poem where you weren't sure who was sane. Thank you so much for your incredible support! You have made my night :tighthug:
Reply
:iconfeatherback:
featherback Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome, I'm glad I could make your night! :iconmeowdanceplz:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
"I asked why it was that solar rays
ran in rivulets throughout
prominent moments of time
(like wars and funerals and departures
and those heavy events we pretend never happened)"

my favorite part for the observation. I like specific details like these.

Overall an interesting read.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I had tried to write that- both thinking of solar rays as blood, and the fact that time rolls on steadily despite all problems.

Thank you for the comment, it means a lot.
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome :)
Reply
:iconaugust-green:
August-Green Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012
This is really well done. I appreciate that you've addressed the oddity of "being too loud" -- there is a curious tendency for people and/or chickens to quietly accept a tragic ending if they know it is coming. We need more noisemakers. Great job.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's sad, though- when you're loud, it makes it so people who can hear you, don't want to. Thank you for the thoughtful comment. (The part about chickens made me smile :D)
Reply
:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hi there!

We liked this piece so much that it's been featured in out Weekly Round-up!

Thanks so much for writing it!
From the admin team of:
:iconwritersink:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my goodness! I am so honored, I will love to go check all the other beautiful works out.
:iconexcitedlaplz: Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hahah you're welcome
Reply
:iconpen-and-mouse:
Pen-and-mouse Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012
Another amazing poem... you are just a talented writer! :heart: SO talented...:faint:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you are too kind! :tighthug: thank you, you've made my day!
Reply
:iconpen-and-mouse:
Pen-and-mouse Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012
You're most welcome, dear! :D :huggle:
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012
:wow: Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh my goodness, thank you so much! :iconlaloveplz:
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012
You're welcome! :hug:
Reply
:iconkymira12:
Kymira12 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm sorry I can't come up with a better comment but this has left me speechless and I would have no idea where to begin saying how amazing this is. So I'll just say, I love it!!!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I cannot believe I made you speechless, that is an incredible compliment :tighthug: thank you so much!
Reply
:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Absolutely beautiful <3
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much :tighthug:
Reply
:iconschongslipper:
schongslipper Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're so welcome =]
Reply
:iconthemoormaiden:
TheMoorMaiden Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I like this a lot, it's very beautifully written, and it's really interesting to see a more serious take on the Chicken Little tale, as it always seems to be dealt with as a comedy or as something ridiculous. I love the phrase: I stop to nurse the universe. :)

One thing I noticed, right near the end, you've written: because the never took the time, and I believe it should be 'they' rather than 'the'. :) Other than that this is pretty much perfect. Great work!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for pointing that out! Sometimes I overlook those things when I type fast.
I'm glad you liked it! I always felt bad for the little guy, out to save a world that wouldn't listen. I wanted to try to spin it into something more complex. Thank you so much for the comment :heart:
Reply
:iconthemoormaiden:
TheMoorMaiden Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome. :)
Reply
:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I love your more in depth look at the sky falling idea, it has always been an interesting thing, and you wrote this so beautifully with such "emotion" in it. I love the imagery too of the sky bleeding and the sunbeam showing all the wrong turns taken. Brilliant work.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I wanted to write this piece, because whenever I have a freak out moment, it feels like the sky is falling. Thank you so much for the wonderful comment, I'm glad you liked the piece :tighthug:
Reply
:iconsleyf:
Sleyf Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Brilliant, that's really interesting actually, I have to say I never felt that way...only really angry :lmao: the sky could well be falling but I doubt I would notice it in the grip of a freak out fit! You're welcome!
Reply
:iconsilver-ships-fly:
silver-ships-fly Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
beautiful.
i love it.
it opened my eyes.
i never thought of chiken little like that (i feel bad now).
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so glad it could! that was my goal (: I always felt bad for the little guy. at least they believed him, in the end of the day. thanks so much :tighthug:
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2012  Student Writer
It really does...it expresses the emotion of shouting and not being heard, the frustration and fear of loneliness, the acceptance of the end of it all, and the reactions of people who act far, far too late...
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! I'm glad you could pull all that from this piece (: I tried to contrast it with a narrator who you weren't sure was crazy or not. thank you for the comment :heart:
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome =D
:glomp: My pleasure, I enjoy commenting!
Reply
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