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November 12, 2012
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I gave away my name today

and it might be a metaphor, but I think
we only remember the quietest suicides

the walls are thin enough to listen
as the angels try to scratch free;
bloodied fingernails and God says everyone
screws up, sometimes

I'm waiting for a silent night.

I only ever believed in solid ground
and depressions' tides, and sometimes,
those little wounds I nursed deep
within my vocal chords (because
my voice is dying, too)

I can see the beautiful people, now
overdosing on their own opiums of
self-acquittal and dissolution

they ran out of ways to ask for help.

I'm fragile, but my glass ribs
aren't holding much

and I'm through trying to find something
different, because it's scary to know
what exactly's the same

yesterday I was someone else and
tomorrow I'm further into inevitabilities of
who I promised I'd never be--

I'm waiting for a happy ending,
but if you love something
you let it go.
It’s a gray sort of silence, that rests in your chest.

For the #theWrittenRevolution
What were your favorite/ least favorite lines? Do you think the thoughts flow together in a reasonable progression? What were your emotions as you read? What do you think the message is? Does the title fit well? Any other comments or suggestions.

(My critique: [link])
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:iconbrothergrimsvsd:
BrotherGrimSVSD Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013  Student Writer

"and it might be a metaphor, but I think
we only remember the quietest suicides"


I liked this line the most probably. Just the sound of it. :D
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! :heart:
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:iconblacksand459:
Blacksand459 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
"they ran out of ways to ask for help."

"and I'm through trying to find something
different, because it's scary to know
what exactly's the same

yesterday I was someone else and
tomorrow I'm further into inevitabilities of
who I promised I'd never be-- "


Those were my favorite lines...but that being said, there were no least favorite lines either. I loved the whole piece, including the title. :)

I think the progression, the thoughts, flow quite well indeed. It definitely feels like one, strong thread of intense emotion and thought.

My emotions? Well, to me, this feels very truthful, and very melancholy. Immediately I empathized with you, if this is a true reflection of your thoughts at a point in time, and it also struck chords deep in me. There is a quietness to this...as one who has pondered, brooded, cried often...and is left with this summation.

The line, "they ran out of ways to ask for help," is all about hindsight to me. All the times of silent communication...hoping someone would pick up on the unspeakable groaning in my soul. Although it is often acted out in ways which may cloud the real issue...appearing to be simple anger or apathy, disillusionment, depression.
And it is these outward signs which others see and assume that it is merely a poor attitude.

The last three stanzas are smashing. To paraphrase Adam Sandler in the film, "Mr. Deeds," that if we could look at ourselves now, through the eyes of our childhood selves, what would we see? Would we approve? The inevitabilities you speak of have come true in my life.

The happy ending. Yes. I hear you well. Personally, I know that if any happy endings are found in this life, they are only window dressing...for they cannot compare to Heaven.

Absolutely well done. :nod:



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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Let me start off by saying thank you for such a long and thoughtful comment. It's always wonderful for me to hear what different people (especially great writers) think about my work.

I loved how you described one of the ways you saw the poem as having a "quietness." Though I'd never specifically thought it, that's what I was trying to achieve with this. A nearly silent statement.

"...hoping someone would pick up on the unspeakable groaning in my soul." oh, that's just such a terrible state of being, isn't it? Waiting for someone to find what you're too scared to show.

I haven't seen that movie, but I appreciate the perspective. It's something I deal with a lot, wondering if I'm moving on or giving up and if the two are really so different at the end of the day.

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and interpretations :heart:
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:iconblacksand459:
Blacksand459 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome; it was my pleasure to read and comment on it. I also enjoy longer comments when I receive them, to really hear what someone thought as they read it. I sense a kindred spirit in you...I'm not sure how to explain myself, but it feels that way to me. And I'm glad I picked up on what you intended with this piece.

You blend thoughts and phrases like precious spices hidden in a cupboard, brought out to the delight of all who partake in them. It's true.

I wonder, too. I'm afraid I don't know the answer either. But to be able to distill coherence from the daily mischief we live in...that is a gift.

A great writer? Thank you kindly for that compliment. :heart: And you are very welcome.
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:icondogmatickerr:
DogmaticKerr Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is so incredibly, heart-wrenchingly sad... and it is so beautiful, for that. It reminds me of my youth - something I yearn for, sometimes. The middle grabs me the most but, to be honest, the whole thing is quite seductive.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm honored to hear you think it is beautiful, and that it can remind you of yourself. Thank you so much for your kind comment :heart:
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:icondogmatickerr:
DogmaticKerr Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It is, perhaps, a little self-indulgent of me to describe it as such, but I really feel that such... painful things can really be that - beautiful. So many people feel so many things, but they never do anything with them - they do not sit and think on them, they do not search them to their deepest corners to not just understand it, but become it. When you can write about it in such a way, you've clearly done a lot, if not all, of that... and it is a lovely thing, because such a person can really become so much.
It does - high school, in particular. The roughest time for me and filled with a lot of pain, a lot of observation and introspection. The poem for me goes "the thinking / the crying / the observing / the introspection / the resignation" and I have such vivid memories of how all that felt and the places it led me. Hopefully this is more than just nostalgic self-indulgence - hopefully I've understood and felt what was meant to be conveyed!

And you are,of course, ever so welcome Miss Intricate :bow:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I certainly agree on all counts. Beauty comes from pain and wisdom comes from reflection. I appreciate everything I have been through because of how it has shaped me, and for the fact I have come out stronger on the other side. That is true strength- deliverance from devastation and adaptation in the shadow of pain. You definitely understood what I tried to convey, and I'm truly touched it was something you identified with. I always hope that in my poetry people can see themselves, especially on that delicate point of turning pain into art. Thank you :heart:
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:icondogmatickerr:
DogmaticKerr Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well, then I am not only awestruck at your skill in writing, but also incredibly pleased with myself for gleaning what was intended ^.^ You continue to impress, Miss, with your continually clever way with words and I have to say that your well-spoken nature is a wonderful treat, compared to most! It hasn't been more than a few words since I last complimented you, but once again... you are exquisite. Your comments are as good as your poetry, miss!

:worship: You're welcome!
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