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I gave away my name today

and it might be a metaphor, but I think
we only remember the quietest suicides

the walls are thin enough to listen
as the angels try to scratch free;
bloodied fingernails and God says everyone
screws up, sometimes

I'm waiting for a silent night.

I only ever believed in solid ground
and depressions' tides, and sometimes,
those little wounds I nursed deep
within my vocal chords (because
my voice is dying, too)

I can see the beautiful people, now
overdosing on their own opiums of
self-acquittal and dissolution

they ran out of ways to ask for help.

I'm fragile, but my glass ribs
aren't holding much

and I'm through trying to find something
different, because it's scary to know
what exactly's the same

yesterday I was someone else and
tomorrow I'm further into inevitabilities of
who I promised I'd never be--

I'm waiting for a happy ending,
but if you love something
you let it go.
Itís a gray sort of silence, that rests in your chest.

For the #theWrittenRevolution
What were your favorite/ least favorite lines? Do you think the thoughts flow together in a reasonable progression? What were your emotions as you read? What do you think the message is? Does the title fit well? Any other comments or suggestions.

(My critique: [link])
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:iconbrothergrimsvsd:
BrotherGrimSVSD Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013  Student Writer

"and it might be a metaphor, but I think
we only remember the quietest suicides"


I liked this line the most probably. Just the sound of it. :D
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! :heart:
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:iconblacksand459:
Blacksand459 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
"they ran out of ways to ask for help."

"and I'm through trying to find something
different, because it's scary to know
what exactly's the same

yesterday I was someone else and
tomorrow I'm further into inevitabilities of
who I promised I'd never be-- "


Those were my favorite lines...but that being said, there were no least favorite lines either. I loved the whole piece, including the title. :)

I think the progression, the thoughts, flow quite well indeed. It definitely feels like one, strong thread of intense emotion and thought.

My emotions? Well, to me, this feels very truthful, and very melancholy. Immediately I empathized with you, if this is a true reflection of your thoughts at a point in time, and it also struck chords deep in me. There is a quietness to this...as one who has pondered, brooded, cried often...and is left with this summation.

The line, "they ran out of ways to ask for help," is all about hindsight to me. All the times of silent communication...hoping someone would pick up on the unspeakable groaning in my soul. Although it is often acted out in ways which may cloud the real issue...appearing to be simple anger or apathy, disillusionment, depression.
And it is these outward signs which others see and assume that it is merely a poor attitude.

The last three stanzas are smashing. To paraphrase Adam Sandler in the film, "Mr. Deeds," that if we could look at ourselves now, through the eyes of our childhood selves, what would we see? Would we approve? The inevitabilities you speak of have come true in my life.

The happy ending. Yes. I hear you well. Personally, I know that if any happy endings are found in this life, they are only window dressing...for they cannot compare to Heaven.

Absolutely well done. :nod:



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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Let me start off by saying thank you for such a long and thoughtful comment. It's always wonderful for me to hear what different people (especially great writers) think about my work.

I loved how you described one of the ways you saw the poem as having a "quietness." Though I'd never specifically thought it, that's what I was trying to achieve with this. A nearly silent statement.

"...hoping someone would pick up on the unspeakable groaning in my soul." oh, that's just such a terrible state of being, isn't it? Waiting for someone to find what you're too scared to show.

I haven't seen that movie, but I appreciate the perspective. It's something I deal with a lot, wondering if I'm moving on or giving up and if the two are really so different at the end of the day.

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and interpretations :heart:
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:iconblacksand459:
Blacksand459 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome; it was my pleasure to read and comment on it. I also enjoy longer comments when I receive them, to really hear what someone thought as they read it. I sense a kindred spirit in you...I'm not sure how to explain myself, but it feels that way to me. And I'm glad I picked up on what you intended with this piece.

You blend thoughts and phrases like precious spices hidden in a cupboard, brought out to the delight of all who partake in them. It's true.

I wonder, too. I'm afraid I don't know the answer either. But to be able to distill coherence from the daily mischief we live in...that is a gift.

A great writer? Thank you kindly for that compliment. :heart: And you are very welcome.
Reply
:icondogmatickerr:
DogmaticKerr Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is so incredibly, heart-wrenchingly sad... and it is so beautiful, for that. It reminds me of my youth - something I yearn for, sometimes. The middle grabs me the most but, to be honest, the whole thing is quite seductive.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm honored to hear you think it is beautiful, and that it can remind you of yourself. Thank you so much for your kind comment :heart:
Reply
:icondogmatickerr:
DogmaticKerr Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It is, perhaps, a little self-indulgent of me to describe it as such, but I really feel that such... painful things can really be that - beautiful. So many people feel so many things, but they never do anything with them - they do not sit and think on them, they do not search them to their deepest corners to not just understand it, but become it. When you can write about it in such a way, you've clearly done a lot, if not all, of that... and it is a lovely thing, because such a person can really become so much.
It does - high school, in particular. The roughest time for me and filled with a lot of pain, a lot of observation and introspection. The poem for me goes "the thinking / the crying / the observing / the introspection / the resignation" and I have such vivid memories of how all that felt and the places it led me. Hopefully this is more than just nostalgic self-indulgence - hopefully I've understood and felt what was meant to be conveyed!

And you are,of course, ever so welcome Miss Intricate :bow:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I certainly agree on all counts. Beauty comes from pain and wisdom comes from reflection. I appreciate everything I have been through because of how it has shaped me, and for the fact I have come out stronger on the other side. That is true strength- deliverance from devastation and adaptation in the shadow of pain. You definitely understood what I tried to convey, and I'm truly touched it was something you identified with. I always hope that in my poetry people can see themselves, especially on that delicate point of turning pain into art. Thank you :heart:
Reply
:icondogmatickerr:
DogmaticKerr Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well, then I am not only awestruck at your skill in writing, but also incredibly pleased with myself for gleaning what was intended ^.^ You continue to impress, Miss, with your continually clever way with words and I have to say that your well-spoken nature is a wonderful treat, compared to most! It hasn't been more than a few words since I last complimented you, but once again... you are exquisite. Your comments are as good as your poetry, miss!

:worship: You're welcome!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am barely exquisite but absolutely honored you think so! :heart: gosh, thank you again!
Reply
:icondogmatickerr:
DogmaticKerr Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ohmygosh! It's happened! I must disagree with you - because you are exquisite and I find that to be demonstrably so! If I had some graph paper and a decent pencil I would show you, but alas... you'll just have to take my word for it. :nod: :bow:
You are, as ever, welcome :bow:
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:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Student Writer
Beautiful clincher, that last line. And your artist comment. And everything.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:love: Thank you, that means the world to me!
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:iconversatile-uhc:
versatile-uhc Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012
I think you did a great job of keeping the language throughout the poem connected. Tied words like: quiet suicide, silent night, depressions’ tides, & self-acquittal all help the poem stay in line with what I see as the intended subject. It’s a struggle, internally, and the hopelessness of the moment that dangles like a frayed string about to snap is strengthened by those sets of words. It’s holding on, but clearly aware that at any moment it could be gone.

The title seems to work. I read a few of your responses to the previous comments regarding the title and while you say that you chose colorblind because the narrator/reader/writer is unable to see colors anymore. While I understand this, for me a more accurate description of the word colorblind related to this poem is that the emotions invoked are those which are completely twisted and unable to discern between what’s in front of them. The world around has no distinction, no clarity; red is seen as blue, yellow and green are just the same. It’s not the lack of color, but the inability to discern which is which, in this case the dispirited moment from a happy ending. I say this with a grain of salt because I think the title really works and your intentions were successful; nicely done. *_-
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I really couldn't have said any of that better myself. And I appreciate your interpretation of colorblind, as well. I often just think of it as things being in grayscale but I really love the idea of no distinctions and confusion in life, it's definitely what I was trying to get across.

Sorry it took me so long to respond to this, it was such a lovely comment, I kept waiting to think of how to respond properly :love:
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:iconjackinthered:
JACKinTHEred Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
I'd quote my favorite line but I'd just be re-posting the whole thing to you again...seriously I know how this feels, or at the very least what moments like this it reminded me of, people don't just write such things from a fictional perspective, you have felt this to, of course, in the way you intended it. like others that have admired this, I was hooked from the first line, I celebrate you! :)
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ohhh thank you so much! :heart: I'm very honored it was something you could related to, thank you for such kind feedback.
Reply
:iconwise-lies:
Wise-lies Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is really wonderful.
Alright, i'm not very good at critiques, so i'll say first that my favorite line was
"the walls are thin enough to listen
as the angels try to scratch free;
bloodied fingernails and God says everyone
screws up, sometimes

because it shows the imperfections of everything, even angels, and how God is willing to forgive them so easily.
and the last line also made me think.
I really love how you executed your emotions throughout this poem, your flow is getting very good, and I would say it is definitely one of your strong qualities.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! I appreciate the feedback, greatly. Those were my favorite lines, too, as I was writing :love:
I'm glad to know the emotions and flow worked well. Again, thank you!
Reply
:iconneonsquiggle:
neonsquiggle Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is absolutely perfect. I adore it.

My favorite lines were:
the walls are thin enough to listen
as the angels try to scratch free;
bloodied fingernails and God says everyone
screws up, sometimes


though I really love the entire thing. Those lines were just.. music, to me.

Yes, I think the thoughts flow together well. It reads like a stilted stream of consciousness somewhat, when someone's thoughts jump from one thing to another and don't really let you know how they got there. It's a little disorienting, but in a pretty way. It's fascinating.

What do I think the message is.. this is tricky. I don't think it's trying to tell us something, per se; I think it wants to show us how the world looks from the persona's eyes. It wants to show us the kind of beautiful that they see.

I think so, yes. It really does. It goes well with the feel of the rest of the poem, not quite straightforward logic but beautiful in its own way.

Your imagery is just stunning. It's so marvelous. Your wordplay is also quite wonderful; the way you phrase things make even the mundane sentences sound magical. Keep writing well!
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, gosh! You are so sweet! :love: And I'm so happy with this comment, too, because you really saw what I saw as I wrote it. In a disjointed, inside someone's thought process sort of way, I wanted to try and show the world through someone else's (colorblind) eyes. I'm very glad to hear the imagery and phrasing stood out.

Just, I really can't thank you enough! You have made my day :huggle:
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:iconprfectshadeofdrkblu:
PrfectShadeOfDrkBlu Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
i really love this....

just thought i'd start by saying that. lol.

i think the fracturedness ( ok i dont think thats a word but im sticking to it XD lol ) works with the poem as it seems to match the feeling and emotions of the speaker. that maybe s/he is fractured in a way. "those little wounds I nursed deep / within my vocal chords (because / my voice is dying, too)," "yesterday I was someone else and / tomorrow I'm further into inevitabilities of / who I promised I'd never be--," ... those lines give the sense that the speaker is troubled. so the structure of the poem works in that sense i think.

I do not know how the title works with the poem. i would love to hear how you chose it and what meaning it holds to you in connection to the poem? =)

"yesterday I was someone else and
tomorrow I'm further into inevitabilities of
who I promised I'd never be-- "
... definitely my favorite lines
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, you are so sweet! :tighthug:

That was my intention. To have the flow of the poem match the mindset of the narrator. I am very glad to hear that came out.

I chose Colorblind because, as you picked up on, the speaker is troubled. I tried to portray someone who had fallen out of love with the world they were in, and who'd simply given up. That's why I chose Colorblind: they couldn't see colors anymore. Also, there's a song by my favorite band called Colorblind, and one of the lyrics is "and the first rainbow I see will be the last." Which I thought also captured a lot of my intentions.

Thank you so much for your feedback! :heart:
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:iconprfectshadeofdrkblu:
PrfectShadeOfDrkBlu Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
ah ok. i was thinking maybe thats what it was about with the name colorblind, but i wasnt sure. it totally works.

can i ask what band it is? i like finding new music =)

again, great piece =D
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
sure! They are Say Anything, and this is the song I was referring to: [link]

their older stuff is a lot different from their more recent releases
Reply
:iconprfectshadeofdrkblu:
PrfectShadeOfDrkBlu Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
ohh coolio. thanks. kool song =D
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:iconseaplume:
SeaPlume Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Student General Artist
Your imagery in this poem is beautiful! I love the balance you achieve between statements or explanations and more abstract images or metaphors.
The first three lines were my favorites, but also the ones I found hardest to understand. I think the rest of the poem explained through its content what you were (probably) getting at in the beginning, but I still found the first line (and, by extension, the second) a bit confusing and was left trying to determine if the third line and the end of the second line were connected to the second line or were a separate thought.
There are sections of the poem, single lines set apart and short stanzas, that seem connected to the lines around them, and then you jump to a new idea. However, I still think the poem flows well because the changes in "scene" or image are like puzzle pieces filling out the collage of images and emotions that makes up the whole poem, and I quite like the way that the poem has these separate pieces.
Even though the content of this poem is depressing, and I could feel that in my chest as I read, the imagery is very beautiful, and I felt the same almost calm acceptance that the narrator seems to achieve by the end of the poem. If you meant for this poem to feel jarring or broken, I don't really think it is, despite the separate images throughout, but it works wonderfully as is, and that may not have been what you were aiming for anyway.
Although I noted the title, I never connected it with the poem, so much so that when I reached the end of the poem and saw your question about the title, I could not recall what it was. Even now, I am struggling to make a connection between the title and poem, besides the fact that the narrator feels she (or maybe he) doesn't see colors anymore. Whether or not this was the connection you meant to show, I think "Colorblind" is an excellent name for a poem, but not this one. That being said, I am at a loss for a better title that really does this piece justice.
Overall, I think that most of my notes here are pretty nitpicky and specific because this piece is already excellent. I hope my feedback helps!
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you SO very much for the long, thought-out comment! I am just realizing that I did not put in my description that this isn't something I usually do, which is why I was looking for critiques. I certainly see what you mean, throughout the whole poem. I hadn't necessarily meant to make it jarring, I suppose, as much as indirect, if that makes sense. I wanted to group together my thoughts and see what other people pulled. Like I said, it's not anything I've done before, so I'm glad to hear it somewhat worked.

Your reasoning over why I named it Colorblind is pretty spot-on. In my mind, it was about someone who'd given up, who couldn't see colors anymore, etc. along that line. I will try and think through other title possibilities (to be honest, one of the reasons I chose that was because of a song I love by the same name and its message :love:)

Again, thank you SO very much for your thoughts. I will definitely use them if I put finishing touches on this piece, and, more importantly, if I ever attempt the same style, to have the maximum impact. Thank you!
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:iconseaplume:
SeaPlume Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Student General Artist
You are very welcome! As I said, the piece was beautifully written in the first place, so it was tricky for me to figure out what you could improve!
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:iconthypoetsorcerer:
ThyPoetSorcerer Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I feel like I relate to this poem more than I should, so much so that I'm writing a reply to it. Can I have your permission to post it? Also if you don’t think it's a worthy reply I'll remove it from my gallery. Thank you.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Absolutely! I'd love to read what you come up with.
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:iconthypoetsorcerer:
ThyPoetSorcerer Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm done but I think it's kinda corny XD, Are you a harsh critic? 'cause this piece needs one.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
If you'd like me to critique it, I certainly can.
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:iconthypoetsorcerer:
ThyPoetSorcerer Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I just posted it. Let me know if I missed something since I'm using DA as my word processor 'cause my phone (from where I am typing it) doesn't have one.
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:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012
Aww This is beautiful and sad! I think this is talking about feeling empty and hopeless, hence titled "colorblind" when one has a hard time seeing another way to keep going. I can definitely relate to that at times. "I'm fragile, but my glass ribs aren't holding much" I think this is talking about a void in your chest where one has been hurt, and afraid to get hurt again, not feeling strong enough to be able to take another blow yet. I think the flow was clear. I like the end, "I'm waiting for a happy ending, but if you love something, you let it go" I think this may be talking about letting yourself go. Loving yourself, letting yourself go on and take chances again. :heart:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That was really what I'd hoped for throughout most of this. A sense of no distinctions, while at the same time, a fear of what that might mean. Like you said, "empty and hopeless."
Thank you so much for your wonderful comment, I love how you interpreted the ending :heart:
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:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012
:tighthug: :heart:
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
last two lines remind me of a song I used to listen to often.

really captivating first three lines. a good piece overall.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much. What song?
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
no problem.
[link]
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ohmygosh you are so awesome xD I listened to that on repeat while writing this. It's also where I got the thin walls line from.
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
ah ha, cool. yeah, switchfoot was my favorite band growing up.
Fall was definitely my favorite of the four.
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:iconabstract-mouse:
abstract-mouse Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
My favorite lines are:
"I'm waiting for a happy ending,
but if you love something
you let it go."

I can relate to that.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I was listening to "My Love Goes Free" by Jon Foreman, on repeat. That phrase has always really interested me.
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:iconabstract-mouse:
abstract-mouse Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I love that song!! :D
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:iconbelarosewolf:
BelaRoseWolf Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Student Writer
Such a fascinating poem... It holds such complex meaning, and an even better flow to it. You really pulled me in from the start, and these were my favorites: "yesterday I was someone else and tomorrow I'm further into inevitabilities of who I promised I'd never be--" It's truly powerful! ^^ Excellent work!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for the feedback! I happen to have very weird perceptions of time ^^

I appreciate it very much :heart:
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:iconbelarosewolf:
BelaRoseWolf Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome! :) And it's very interesting!
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello :wave:
You have been featured in my weekly dA love for everyone! article.
Have a nice day :huggle:
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