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Submitted on
November 28, 2012
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the clock rolls backwards

say hello to cold floors and breathing
ceilings and sleepless nights,
a snowflake city down in flames
and a humming monotony --

fingernails never dug deep enough.

you're stuck on words like I love him and
I miss him and this is it and I
love him I really really love- it's
better to have bled than ghosted
out into the

silence.
those are your thoughts suiciding themselves
under the smother of night, no
veneers can hide your
lines- time carved
you a new face and metered
your breaths;

asphyxiated and strung out by
your own needs, at least you had
the time
to write it all off,

but not before you tore the wings off the
weak-willed sparrows and cried
for yourself.

bleached eyes and too much black
liner cover the fact you can't
see
anymore, you can't
see
the world and it shouldn't see you

you're sick of butterflies melting on your
fingertips and fairydust that's only of
dreams long dead, and

you nightmared these very days long ago- of
love as a hoax and siphoning smiles
and, some things are better
not true.
       I love him.

this is how you live when you
aren't afraid to die, and the dents
in your heart do not hinder your
ability to float, on churning dirt,
barely unswallowed by the ground
that delivered you screaming into a world
wanting nothing more than to watch you
fall.
the scuffs don't make you crash, you
wish    they    did


your flutters kick the bucket,

finality tastes preemptive.
Disenchanted, I love no more.
if you don’t want to critique, please feel free to skip my little ramble below!

First, let me start by saying, I used a few experimental things as verbs (a while back, I remember *0hgravity saying something about how nightmare ought to be a verb, too) so, please do not include that as a grammatical error. Do feel free to tell me, however, if you do not think it works in context.
Now, for the #theWrittenRevolution: What were your favorite/ least favorite lines? Do you think this piece was paced and ended properly? Is it something you can relate to? What do you think the relevance is in the repetition of “I love”? Any other comments or critiques.

My critique on Black Leather Woman: [link]
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:iconconcora:
Concora Mar 3, 2013   Writer
I think this is one of my favourite pieces from you.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Mar 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconloveloveplz: thank you!
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
this is how you live when you
aren't afraid to die, and the dents
in your heart do not hinder your
ability to float


God I love your poetry. :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
ohmygosh you are so kind :heart:
Reply
:icongeorgiafern:
GeorgiaFern Dec 15, 2012  Student Writer
Featured: [link] :hug:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
I was not only featured, but I am among such beautiful pieces?? Oh my gosh! Thank you so much! :tighthug:
Reply
:icongeorgiafern:
GeorgiaFern Dec 15, 2012  Student Writer
:) You're piece is just as beautiful. You are most welcome :glomp:
Reply
:iconthypoetsorcerer:
ThyPoetSorcerer Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your writing is turning from amazing to absolutely phenomenal. I can't stop rereading this(...And maybe for the most part think I know what you are trying to say here.)
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh wow, I'm so honored you like it.
I wrote it after thinking about a lot of the things you'd said.
Thank you so much :heart:
Reply
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