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the clock rolls backwards

say hello to cold floors and breathing
ceilings and sleepless nights,
a snowflake city down in flames
and a humming monotony --

fingernails never dug deep enough.

you're stuck on words like I love him and
I miss him and this is it and I
love him I really really love- it's
better to have bled than ghosted
out into the

silence.
those are your thoughts suiciding themselves
under the smother of night, no
veneers can hide your
lines- time carved
you a new face and metered
your breaths;

asphyxiated and strung out by
your own needs, at least you had
the time
to write it all off,

but not before you tore the wings off the
weak-willed sparrows and cried
for yourself.

bleached eyes and too much black
liner cover the fact you can't
see
anymore, you can't
see
the world and it shouldn't see you

you're sick of butterflies melting on your
fingertips and fairydust that's only of
dreams long dead, and

you nightmared these very days long ago- of
love as a hoax and siphoning smiles
and, some things are better
not true.
       I love him.

this is how you live when you
aren't afraid to die, and the dents
in your heart do not hinder your
ability to float, on churning dirt,
barely unswallowed by the ground
that delivered you screaming into a world
wanting nothing more than to watch you
fall.
the scuffs don't make you crash, you
wish    they    did


your flutters kick the bucket,

finality tastes preemptive.
Disenchanted, I love no more.
if you don’t want to critique, please feel free to skip my little ramble below!

First, let me start by saying, I used a few experimental things as verbs (a while back, I remember *0hgravity saying something about how nightmare ought to be a verb, too) so, please do not include that as a grammatical error. Do feel free to tell me, however, if you do not think it works in context.
Now, for the #theWrittenRevolution: What were your favorite/ least favorite lines? Do you think this piece was paced and ended properly? Is it something you can relate to? What do you think the relevance is in the repetition of “I love”? Any other comments or critiques.

My critique on Black Leather Woman: [link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconconcora:
Concora Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2013   Writer
I think this is one of my favourite pieces from you.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconloveloveplz: thank you!
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012
this is how you live when you
aren't afraid to die, and the dents
in your heart do not hinder your
ability to float


God I love your poetry. :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ohmygosh you are so kind :heart:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012
:heart:
Reply
:icongeorgiafern:
GeorgiaFern Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Student Writer
Featured: [link] :hug:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I was not only featured, but I am among such beautiful pieces?? Oh my gosh! Thank you so much! :tighthug:
Reply
:icongeorgiafern:
GeorgiaFern Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Student Writer
:) You're piece is just as beautiful. You are most welcome :glomp:
Reply
:iconthypoetsorcerer:
ThyPoetSorcerer Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your writing is turning from amazing to absolutely phenomenal. I can't stop rereading this(...And maybe for the most part think I know what you are trying to say here.)
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh wow, I'm so honored you like it.
I wrote it after thinking about a lot of the things you'd said.
Thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:iconthypoetsorcerer:
ThyPoetSorcerer Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
LOL I kinda suspected it. What's funny is I wrote my last poem after a lot of things you'd said...so thank you back :love:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It seems great minds think alike :huggle:
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student Writer
It feels like a cynical view, or a doubt of the meaning of the word 'I love'. It's a word used far too often, without the feeling that should be behind it. And this narrator has realized that, maybe it wasn't love, yet at the same time, it was, but it somehow left, or was only there because others are so fixated on you 'loving' that person that you believe them....
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's interesting you see it like that. I almost saw it as self-denial, like they swear to themselves it's true but it's really not.
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student Writer
Sort of like that, but more like others pressuring it to be true is my interpretation =D
Reply
:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"it's
better to have bled than ghosted
out into the

silence. "

Greatness.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:iconvertigoart:
VertigoArt Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Professional Writer
I love the pacing and line breaks here. They work wonderfully for the halting experience the piece gives.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so happy, that is exactly what I'd hoped to achieve. Thank you!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   General Artist
My goodness Maddie, I'm simply stumped for words at the beauty of yours :heart: :heart: :heart:
Are you sure you are as old as you say you are? :love:
I can only imagine the sublime level of your writing 5 no 3 years from now! :faint:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You sweetheart, you always know how to make my day! :heart: What a lovely compliment, thank you so much, I am honored! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   General Artist
As am I, to be able to watch an incredible artist like yourself blossom right in front of me is in itself plenty kinds of wonderful! :huggle:
I live for the smiles of my loved ones! :love:
Reply
:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
"but not before you tore the wings off the
weak-willed sparrows and cried
for yourself."

:heart: Speechless, darling. :tighthug:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:love: thank you so much!
Reply
:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012
Always. :D
Reply
:iconrandomphilosopher:
randomphilosopher Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I know I'm not part of #theWrittenRevolution, but I thought I might critique anyway.

First off, I like the piece, how you've put it together, in its sadness, both for the fate of the "you" and the state of her. (Is it you? That would make my pronouns easier.)

My favorite lines:
but not before you tore the wings off the
weak-willed sparrows and cried
for yourself.


bleached eyes and too much black
liner cover the fact you can't
see
anymore, you can't
see
the world and it shouldn't see you


Both of them describe well that state of sadness, devoid of self-awareness.

My least favorite lines:

say hello to cold floors and breathing
ceilings and sleepless nights,


those are your thoughts suiciding themselves
under the smother of night, no


The first one didn't seem as strong as it could be, and the second one - not counting off for grammar at all, but for just me, the verbing was a little confusing.

Other thoughts - some of the hyphens and dashes were confusing; maybe if you took out a space when using dashes and had one before and after with hyphens? May be personal taste - feel no pressure to switch it based on that.

As I read it again, I love the movement of it. I think stanzas 3 - 10 are the strongest, and then, correct me if I'm wrong, it switches tacks a bit to come to a conclusion? If you're up for it, maybe another... aaah, words. Um, pressing enter again. What is that called? One of those might set off that switch. Regardless, I love how it moves there into the declaration and ending. Sad, but beautiful. :heart:

Thanks for sharing! :glomp:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for all your feedback! For starters, I fixed the punctuation things like you said. I often only add punctuation as I'm typing things up, and I try and add whatever so it sounds like it is in my head. Often, I forget to keep uniformity, so I appreciate you pointing that out! I also indented another line for the conclusion :)

and thank you for saying your favorite and least favorite lines. It's always wonderful to know what works and what does not. I might change the suiciding line as I read through it more, I know it's often not used as a verb. Thank you so so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconrandomphilosopher:
randomphilosopher Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome :heart:
I've been trying to give more feedback to other poets lately, but I am a novice poet myself, so you can take what I say with a grain of salt. :)
Reply
:iconiyraemm:
IyraEMM Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Holy god.
"but not before you tore the wings off the
weak-willed sparrows and cried
for yourself." I love that.
And the first line is stunning. Everything is stunning. Stunninnnnng. :omg:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my, girl, why you so sweet ;u;

thank you so so much
Reply
:iconiyraemm:
IyraEMM Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome :)
Reply
:icondeinktvis:
deinktvis Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Student Writer
:iconclapplz:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:iconcocoloveplz:
Reply
:icondeinktvis:
deinktvis Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Student Writer
:hug:
Reply
:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012
This is hauntingly beautiful. I know the content would not lend itself to such a word, but as I read it, I recall the gut wrenching wishes, I remember when I came to realize that indeed there are some things we wish for that are better left untrue. This is really a great piece, and for me, the salvation from those cold and lonely floors inside my head, the screaming graveyards of my memories...is summed up in my favorite line, and I believe, the most potent and poignant line in this poem.

" it's
better to have bled than ghosted
out into the

silence. "

You've done it again. A fave.

Also.. the last stanza before the finish is so starkly true.. those who live their lives unafraid of their mortality live different than those who fear death... even if that life is barely floating, almost swallowed...the ride is worth the pain. Because, of course.. it's better to have bled.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I actually wrote those lines thinking of the phrase "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I was thinking about the difference between never hurting and never living, that was my interpretation of it. I'm so happy it managed to capture all those emotions for you, it's wonderful to know someone connected to my work.

When you aren't afraid of death, life looks different and you don't go through it the same.

Thank you so much for your wonderful feedback :heart:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
the first stanza has an excellent rhythm - so good draw. you always seem to have the best openings.

I liked siphoning smiles and a killer final line.

I definitely got excited when I saw 'nightmared'...because why do dreams get to have all the fun? nightmares are far more aggressive, action-oriented anyway.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so honored you think so! :love:
and, yes, I definitely wrote that line thinking of you. dreaming is so light and beautiful, it seems unfair its opposition nightmares can't be used in the same tense.

thank you for your feedback! :heart:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:D

you're welcome as always!
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012
This is FANTASTIC! There are parts about this that make it so interesting, so much story could be told here.
I think the "I love" is referencing someone who doesn't truly love perhaps?
"this is how you live when you
aren't afraid to die" I love this line! :iconlawooplz:
You are such an amazing writer. I'd love to one day know what sort of things and stories you were thinking when you write. :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:la: I'm so happy!
I think about those lines a lot, people who are not afraid of their own mortality live different lives than those who are.
And... gosh, way to make me gush all over the place :love: You are so sweet and I am so honored I can receive such praise from such a talented writer! :heart:
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012
Oh I agree! There's so many ways to look at it too. Death is a big part of life, literally and metaphorically. It's inevitable. It can't be denied, because to deny it would be to never change, or think that there's never an end. I think it's healthy to keep in mind that death is a very real thing. Reading that line and linking it to the title just made me think of frozen time. It actually reminds me of a Neil Gaiman story from Endless Nights Chapter 1 Death. :heart: It's one of my favorites. :la:

You're too sweet! You are one of the best poets I've read. I'm always in awe about how incredible you are with words. You always dig deep, it's amazing, and I completely admire your work. :heart:
Thank you so much for sharing!
:iconcocoloveplz:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is such a lovely comment i just didn't know how to respond for the longest time :love:
Exactly. Those who live without death never really live in the sense that they don't acknowledge there are human boundaries which emphasize our abilities, too.

I always adore your sense of rhythm and uniquely beautiful way of thinking throughout all your written pieces. You are such an inspiration as an artist, and such a wonderfully amazing friend! :heart: Thank you again!
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012
:iconaawplz: Always a pleasure to read your work! :tighthug::heart:
:iconlainloveplz:
Thank You for sharing, and being here! You are a wonderfully inspiring amazing friend and artist youself! :la:
Reply
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