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sometimes I begin to believe I am not real
and the obligations of the world
are too many to swallow,

when they drop me, I will go (but
please don’t count upon the feathers
bleeding through my back, halos
hang like a noose, I

am a single dawn: do not
count on me to raise again
   it wears me out, gossamer
 thin and glistening as they wait
   for something to explode)

in a month, I will not remember
my name. I will have shed my skin
someplace south of the border and cold,
ice cold where the air is stale
and barely alive; in a month

I will be unable to look back.

but now, these floorboards creak
under the assumption of forgotten
memories; I left something of myself
in a night dark and long and lukewarm

like the people it stirred. wake up,
they wondered, it is dusk and
the trees are breathing and it seems
we’ve lost our way

(he said, let’s float once more
through the field of broken
things, before we die and before
I forget why I came.

it was almost sentimental the way
he fell soft when he realized I could
never come home again)

I am a figment bastard child
of the hopes for a better time;
imaginary and ebbing with the
scent of dying dreams, please,

wake up
trying new styles (probably failing)

I am surreal.
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:iconakercoke:
Akercoke Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2014
I love the imagery and turn of phrase but I can't quite find the meaning :( I'll read this again later but I'd like to hear some of the author's intent behind it.
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:iconnothingspecial62:
NothingSpecial62 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013   General Artist
you are not failing. c: don't give up, okay? everything the first time is probably going to sound a bit... awkward, but that doesn't mean it's bad. it's like anyone always says: "practice makes perfect."

in my personal opinion, this poem is simple, but has a deeper meaning behind it. i really like that. <3 i am also a sucker for surreal things, so please keep up on your new works. i know i have a joy reading them.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
you are such a sweetheart, your comments always manage to keep me going. thank you so much :heart:
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:iconnothingspecial62:
NothingSpecial62 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013   General Artist
(≧∩ ▽ ∩≦ ) th- thank you so much. it makes me real happy to hear that (though personally i don't think i deserve it), and you will always be welcome.
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:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
"halos
hang like a noose, I

am a single dawn: do not
count on me to raise again
it wears me out,"

Love it!

" it is dusk and
the trees are breathing and it seems
we’ve lost our way

(he said, let’s float once more
through the field of broken
things, before we die and before
I forget why I came."

mm.. so deep and thought provoking. Im not as huge a fan of this one as I am of some of the others.. but this one is still awesome. <3
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you very much!
Reply
:iconmoonlightequilibrium:
Moonlightequilibrium Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Reminded me of [link]
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That's such a lovely song. And very similar (eerily so)
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Student Writer
It feels like you are, in a world where people can wander and pluck words from trees and plant them in a beautiful cycle to live on.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Student Writer
:love:
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:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Student General Artist
I like the flow of this piece.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you!
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:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Student General Artist
You're welcome.
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I agree with Lance, the disjointedness of this actually makes it work, which usually throws a poem off for me. I suppose it's the way you mingle in the really honest-feeling lines that steadies the subject.

I am a single dawn: do not
count on me to raise again
it wears me out


I really love that, for some reason.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! Being completely honest here, I was trying to mimic the natural way stories flow when Jorge writes poetry. Aside from the bit about the lukewarm night, I don't think I did that at all. But at least it's uniquely me.

and thank you so much :love: I really liked that part, too. It was kind of me mixing resurrection and a line from a song I've been listening to on repeat; though I'm not sure how that combination quite mixes...

:heart: you're lovely.
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I can see a bit of that flavor that Jorge applies, actually. His thing is he's a master of making a story approachable for anyone, whether the reader as ever known such an experience. (I envy his storytelling, too.) But, you have your own little brand of telling things, too, I've noticed. Uniquely you is right. :)

You're very welcome, dear. Music is the best inspiration, says me. It's a really great line, however it came to you. :heart:
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:iconmoonstruckbyshadow:
moonstruckbyshadow Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Such melancholy in your latest works, yet still the underlying beauty of what is within you remains.

The first and last stanzas clarify any doubts about the meaning sandwiched between them. A kind of out of body self evaluation that either waxes philosophical or wrestling with perspectives and surrendering to one in the end.
As always unique, whimsical, enchanting.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I think you put it perfectly with "self evaluation"; I wanted it to be a thoughtful analysis of a person's identity. Thank you so much.
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:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013
The disjointed presentation of the lines well expresses the disjointed life and thoughts and the words said. Nicely done.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so glad to hear that, it was a different feeling to write this way. Thank you!
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:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013
nod :)
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:iconsomethingoncesacred:
SomethingOnceSacred Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
There are so many beautiful lines here, dear! I can't even just pick one to be my favorite.

I am finally finding myself able to comment for you, because this is about my sixth time reading this piece through.

Your imagery is just bloody fantastic, as usual, and this piece has a dash of a kind of... It's- Well, honestly, I don't know what it is. Or I don't have a word for it, I think.

It's toska-ish, to me at least. Just so somber and whimsical and lovely.

Definitely not any kind of failure on your part. Easily a favorite of your work from me, love!
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
oh my lordie you have just the most heartwarming comments in the entire world ;u; Thank you so so much, I was really worried when I was trying this because I didn't know if it was too far out of my comfort zone. I'm so delighted to hear what worked, and from such a wonderful writer :love: thank you again!
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:iconsomethingoncesacred:
SomethingOnceSacred Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Entirely my pleasure, love! As always. ^^ It never bores me to read your beautiful work. You are easily one of my favorite poets, no doubt about that.
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:iconmelodysnow:
melodysnow Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013
How could this possibly be considered failing?

It feels very surreal and I just love that. :love:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You are so incredibly lovely :love: thank you, that's an honor
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