Dreams of an Angel

I.
"what do angels dream about?" Lindsay asked
I thought for a minute
"they dream to live like us."
"then why did Rachel want to die?"
"goodnight" I said, and turned out the light


_{Rachel used to sing to the birds
she said sometimes they just wanted someone to show they cared
and she serenaded them
until she was sure they  felt important}

II.
in the car, Lindsay broke down
the black veil she wore seemed to be more
than an article of mourning
"why do they make child-size coffins?"
"Lindsay—"
"did you see her?
even dead, her spindly fingers reached out
but…  I couldn't grab her…"
I held her hand
because it was the only thing I knew how to do


_{Rachel used to write notes
she tucked them in branches,
under rocks, between her pillows
she said they were her secrets.
she always wanted someone to find them.}

III.
Lindsay shut down
the walls grew darker, the ceiling grew heavy
did you know silence chokes you?

She had a recurring dream
she always woke screaming
I'd hold her and say "I'm here,
I'm here…"
and she'd break down weeping
"no you weren't
you weren't here.
that's the problem"
and she'd weep until she fell asleep


<sub>Rachel used to stay up till 11:11 every night
just so she could make a wish
and she'd fall asleep, with a smile on her lips

then every morning she would wake up,
look around, and frown
because her wish hadn't been enough</sub>

IV.
Lindsay found her
her blonde hair pulled from her neck
(I seemed to be the only one who thought it looked like a halo)
an old rope pulled taut against her collarbones

Lindsay called me after, sobbing
she'd tried to breathe life back
into Rachel's lifeless form
she kept waiting to see the blood course
through her pale, bruised neck
but she didn't have enough breath
Rachel was gone

It was a few minutes past midnight
and I couldn't help but wonder if Rachel's wish had come true


_{Rachel used to kiss all of her teddy bears goodnight
she thought it was important they knew she was always there
of course, I'd always just taken Rachel's word
because she'd had to tuck herself in, half the time
she said it was fine, they all could look out for her
she said it was fine}

V.
It was only after Rachel died, things came to the surface
we recounted the tears brimming in her eyes
we saw what we had done wrong all along

it's dangerous to live in the past,
but sometimes it's inevitable
when your mistakes haunt you everyday

I found her note, a secret
beneath her pile
of forgotten teddy bears

I don't think anyone cares.
I don't think anyone hears.
I know I'm all alone.
Home is where the heart is,
I don't think I have a home

it's dangerous to live in the past,
but lately the present's just as bad


_{Rachel used to always ask questions
her head was always so full of thoughts
once, she asked Lindsay:
"where do people go when they die?"
Lindsay replied,
"well, they become angels and live in the sky"
Rachel grew distant, as she did when she thought
then she gazed dreamily, and said
"I've always wanted to be an angel"}