Please promise me something better,
even if it is a lie-- sometimes believing
is enough. (sometimes knowing is too
much. tomorrow I will wake up
and travel a little farther down the road
to my own self-destruction. You are
I won't look back, I'm already wrapped up
in my fears of the moment. An intricate
web of justifications and anxiety is
tethering me to these uncertain feelings.
Would you finally cut me free
if I caved into you? Because
I think I'm getting close.
And I think I read the world all wrong,
but I can still play along.
because selling yourself short never did
anyone harm, and besides, I'm already
pretty cheap. I think tears used to be
worth something-- I forget.
(Sometimes a pit forms in my stomach
just to prove I've done something wrong.
It spreads like cancer, morphing me into
These moments have never meant less.)
I promised myself I wouldn't die until
I was strong enough to leave something behind.
Until then, I'll just reinforce my battered
spine with people that don't mean a thing.
Burn my fingertips, please,
so I'll never leave a trace.
Who I've become is entirely surreal.
Depression was a phantom that lurked in my ribcage
for so long, but rational people don't believe
I'm something else. I'm so special, I'm a
dying breed. Why won't you believe in me?
I know it's not fair to ask of you
something I can't do myself;
but the demons inside of me would like to know
what, exactly, I didn't do right.
pluck away my feathers and leave
me bare-- find out that you
don't like my oppressive excess of skin
and that I'm stripped away of all the things
that made me worth it.
Then leave; because that's what I've been
waiting for. I guess the only thing
worth betting on anymore is how much
of myself I'll have to lose to make that happen.
I only have myself to take
on this trip to the edge of the universe.
you'll never notice I'm gone until
it's far too late. By then I'll be past
reassurances and redemptions, with nothing
left to blame. Go ahead, ask me for the world
so I'll know I had a reason
when I gave it away.