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your hand on the door, you whisper
with breath reeking of buyer's remorse
"it's better this way,
you need a guy who won't make you cry—
you need a guy who wants to stay"
and you believe it

goosebumps spread on your arms
from the chill of frozen eyes
and words can't make it better, but—
"it never would have worked, anyway
you need more than I could ever give.
you deserve better than me."

and you don't acknowledge your broken logic.
(because once, you would've given the world.
but pouty lips and honeyed words aren't
as sweet as you remembered.)
and maybe you've convinced yourself
that if you're so eager to leave,
it's truly for the best

except
you once fulfilled all those needs.
when times get tough
it's not enough
that fragile hearts are made of glass—
because maybe you've convinced yourself
you deserve better.

"I really did care about you"
you liked the way your heart fluttered,
but you know it's nothing
special. that patterned excitement
in your chest, that once made you smile
and swear you'd found the one
is gone.
and, you want to go with it.

the air is chilly;
you pretend you don't know why,
and words begin to fall from the mouth previously
sealed shut, because it had been deprived of energy
and a reason.
but now-
there's a question.

"didn't I used to mean something
to you?
when did that change?"

you don't know an answer
but you know you're afraid of the fingers
clenched white, and the expectant eyes that
expect a little too much from you

like things you can't give, because
you lied about why you really cared.
the heart you never gave doesn't feel the same.

the silence is heavy,
you go,
even though you were never really there.
it's warm, outside;
you pretend you don't know why,
and you let yourself forget
about when you actually felt something.

(because, maybe,
you never really did)
I have the irrational fear everyone will leave me. I say irrational, because I know it's dumb (the same way my fears of sneezes and people poking my stomach are irrational.) But, I still worry.
Because there's always going to be buyer's remorse. And sometimes, I worry people won't think I'm worth the price.

I wrote this in second person, which is a first for me.
Tell me what you think.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconwanderlings:
This piece is written brilliantly!

In the first stanza, your use of parenthesis makes the details encloused in them seem like an afterthough to the speaker. I think this is really effective because the speaker is focusing on the person leaving, and thus they would notice other details only minutely (though also seeming significant too).

I like your use of dialouge in the poem as well. This technique also adds to the piece and gives it a really realistic quality, it's actually happening, and it's not just a story. The dialouge really helped me to connect to the poem.

The lack of capitalisation except for "I" was also really awesome. It added to the flow of the poem and the sense that it was really happening, connecting to the reader. It also put emphasis on the "I" and how the speaker feels/felt.

Your choice of words for the poem are excellent. Everything fits and flows. I love "the silence is heavy" and "(beacause, maybe,/you never really did)" :love: Both are lovely phrases and the latter closes the poem powerfully.

Overall the whole piece is brilliant, (ha, I'm repeating myself...) and I love it! I truely can't find anything you'd need to improve on. Sorry...? :)

A sidenote, or P.S. : There are always going to be stupid people who leave because they feel slighted or upset. I know someone who is like that and it's sad because they miss out on great friendships. I want you to know that you're worth it. I know people say sorta cliche stuff like that a lot, but I say it because it's true. You're part of a whole community of people who all contribute and review and help each other. Even if one peson leaves you, there are many more who are willing to help you back up. :glomp:

:blushes: I hope my mini-speech helps. :hug:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconbuddhakat9:
buddhakat9 Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012
this did build very nicely to a punch at the end, even if we might have expected it (the punch)... seems we always get a lot of advice when we post things like this (I only have a couple written pieces so far, so it doesn't show in anything I've loaded here). I like parentheses too!!!

I think we all know some things intellectually, but living them emotionally is a whole different can o' worms!!

really like your use of second person - don't see that very often, it has a unique flavor to it...

:)
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Advice is lovely. I'm a little silly, sometimes I need some... ^^; and second person is really difficult to write in, as I found out D:

Thank you very much for your comment :tighthug:
Reply
:iconbuddhakat9:
buddhakat9 Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012
:iconsmile--plz:
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:iconad-kins:
Ad-Kins Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012
Again, amazingly written. You're going to get sick of me saying that XD

Can't say I relate to this poem though, unlike I have your other ones thus far. Which kinda sucks since this is written in a reader insert form. I dated my ex for almost four years until he hit me. I kicked him out the door (literally) and never saw his sorry ass again. I'm happily married now. Haven't spoken to my father in quite a while either, but I love fishing with my mom's boyfriend. People who cause you problems just aren't worth your time. There's somebody else out there that will happily take their place.

Also, here's a shirt for you!
[link]
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my goodness. I admire your strength.
I am a very weak willed person.
In this, I meant more to emphasize the feeling of loss and abandonment in the other character. I always worry people will think I'm not worth the bother I am and just up and leave some day. That's the place this piece came from: I fear this will happen if I get close to anyone.

thank you so much for the comment :heart: I cannot tell you how much your kind words mean to me.
Reply
:iconad-kins:
Ad-Kins Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012
There will always be someone. There's 7 billion people on this planet.

Plus, there's always dogs XD
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The fear you have is not irrational... actually the concept of irrationallity like sanity is a relative one. Skipping that, this work was unique even among your works. The second person makes it a different thing to read and rther mystical and enjoyable. Yet again I was unabl to grasp the complete picture and I do know that if I were to ponder a bit more, I will surely get it but it seemed to slip out of my grasp. I did get the feel and over all vibe of it; that made it good. The basic meaning also made it through and the title matches the poem beautifully.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's about the elaborate fear I have. I worry someone will care about me, then if things get too tough, they will leave. And, worse yet, they will realize it meant nothing all along, feeling no remorse.

It was definitely a new thing for me, trying second person. I think it worked, but it was difficult to write.

Thank you so much for the comment :tighthug:
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh no, I did get the fear perfectly and it was well reflected as well! I used to have this fear as well but then I... realized. You are welcome :tighthug:
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:iconmarieellis-tolke:
MarieEllis-Tolke Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I have an irrational fear of vomiting. Although, maybe that's not so irrational. I don't know. In all seriousness, though, this is another great piece from you. I especially love all the dialogue in this one. I feel like it makes everything more real and in the present, if that makes sense.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I try and include a lot of dialogue in my more story-esque poems. It's something that comes naturally to me, and for some reason, the spoken word always holds so much power. I agree. It adds a touch of reality, because it... gives characters an identity, I think.
I'm sorry about your fear of vomiting. Flus must be a nightmare D:

Thank you for the lovely comment :tighthug:
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:iconfeatherback:
featherback Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Buyer's remorse is such a wonderful phrase. This whole thing is beautiful. It flowed in my head so smoothly. <3

And on a side note, I know how that is. I have the same fear of being left. :huggle:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much :hug:

and no one can ever leave you! You are far too marvelous! :iconlaloveplz:
Reply
:iconfmafan2012:
FMAfan2012 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Student Writer
I have a fear that every one will leave me, too. So, I know how you feel. (I also have an irrational fear of drowning even though I can swim. Long story.)
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am sorry about both of your fears :hug:
I think it's a natural thing to be afraid people will leave. I guess it's the danger when you get close to anyone.
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:icontopazcat511:
topazcat511 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Love this :tighhug:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much, you're wonderful :hug:
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012
i believe any grammatical nitpicks i found have already been pointed out, but i do feel the need to add: your overuse parenthesis. they can be a nice stylistic touch every now and then, but they seemed unnecessary more than half the time they were used in this piece. the first stanza is a great example of this: that line could just as easily be encased in commas (or even left on its own line without any additional punctuation) and still make sense. parenthesis can be a powerful rhetorical device if used with care, and you were a tad heavy handed, which weakens their overall impact. remember, syntax is the framework of literature, and while it can go unnoticed, its affects are incredibly powerful in that it dictates just how your message is delivered to a reader.

that aside, i really like the language in this poem. it was direct and the remorse of the speaker was palpable, the anxieties so real. at times, i felt it was almost too direct-- it read more like prose than poetry, but as a fan of broken-lined prose, that didn't throw me off too badly. i enjoyed the last stanzas more than the first; as the piece went along, you picked up passion, and that passion culminated in something really genuine.

overall, it's a poem with a lot of potential. a good proofreading, a few edits, anda better application of syntax could make this into something flawless. thank you for sharing, and i hope this helps (:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you are right. I went through and cut most of the parentheses out, leaving only a few I considered important.
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:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012
much better (: i agree with your choices.
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:iconpen-and-mouse:
Pen-and-mouse Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012
This is a wonderful piece of Art..:heart:
I have many irrational fears, you know. And at times, it feels that they are even worse.. I mean, I feel bad because of the thing I'm afraid of and at the same time knowing that I shouldn't even think about such silly things make me feel awful as well.
Anyway, thank you for sharing this wonderful poem! :clap: :D
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
(In a way, aren't all fears irrational?)
It's certainly alright! I am never afraid of regular things. I think heights are beautiful, the darkness is comforting, spiders are fun. But... I'm afraid of balloons. And losing my voice. And waking up. I suppose it all depends on how you choose to deal with the fears you are dealt.

Thank you so much for the lovely comment! :hug:
Reply
:iconpen-and-mouse:
Pen-and-mouse Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012
Thinking about it now... yes, it may be true.
And yes, we just need to find the best way to deal with them.:)

You're welcome! All of my compliments are well-deserved. :heart:
Reply
:iconwise-lies:
Wise-lies Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is so so so beautiful, I can't even say how much I love this.
"and words begin to fall from the mouth previously
sealed shut, because it had been deprived of energy"
AHHH so unique and wonderful, amazing work :clap: :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, that means so much from such a beautiful writer! :tighthug:
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:iconwise-lies:
Wise-lies Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:blush: :hug:
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:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012
You are an amazing writer! :heart: Well done expressing these feelings. "Buyer's remorse" such a powerful phrase.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That was the phrase that popped into my head, and inspired me to write this :D Thank you so much :huggle:
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012
You're welcome! ^^
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Student Writer
OH MY GOODNESS. This piece is simply wonderful, every word fits together, completing this picture of a story of someone's relationship, it captures the fear of the narrator, the questioning, remorse, the wondering of one's feelings, nothing but hormones that have faded, or perhaps it was all just a happy illusion....

I kind of feel the same way you do, or did, but sometimes, I can't help but wonder if I've chosen books over people....because I know I can never regret reading a book, just ink on paper, whereas people can take things from me, things I don't realize I'm giving. Perhaps that's also part of 'buyer's remorse', that the price might go away along with them...:tighthug:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I think it's absolutely horrible the way certain relationships unfold. I always hold on to notes, or mementos in any form, because at some point they meant the world to me. It makes me so sad that some people can pick up and leave, believing they never felt anything.
Thank you so much for the comment.

I think it's kinda adorable that you have such a relationship with books. It's true, they never will hurt you or leave. "people can take things from me, things I don't realize I'm giving" that's really beautiful. You just need to find the right people. The ones worth your time will never ever take anything from you that you haven't entrusted them with. :hug:
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Student Writer
I never do, because I think that I'm kind of like one of those people, except when I leave, it's for the better.
You're welcome.

=D Thank you, I think I'm surrounded by the right people. I tend to be lucky like that =)
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