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:iconintricately-ordinary: More from intricately-ordinary


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Submitted on
February 4, 2013
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I wish I had something more to offer
when your joints ached and your bones creaked
and you wept dust; (the cobwebs around
your tongue were a comfort once)

but I am three times screwed
over backwards and turned right around,
breathing in gravel and praying on
the only consistencies I know like
on Sun-day we are in the house of God
and it won’t rain and dad won’t speak
and mom will sit with pursed lips counting
all the times we didn’t kiss her goodbye
and everyone will call it normal,

everyone will look at the way I write words
on cracked pavement and get glassy-eyed
when they speak softly and forget the sound
of my own voice when I’m afraid; all those times I
tripped over my own feet and walked away
with wounded knees, and they will call me normal.

I’m at it again, building barricades
from ashes and calling them friends
(this here is fear, he visits me nightly;
and that stale stain in the corner
is actually anxiety, recuperating
from the moment it caught a glimpse of itself)

If I squint sideways, things begin to look straight. past
becomes an honest mistake and North is no longer
buried below a murky sea;

but I forget that, and fall back to
the sapphire saturation of your voice,
color of confusion, coaxing--
    drowning me
         (I choke and die in two inches
              of misguidance,  baptized in
                     defeat)
This is abnormal, but I am too.

Trying something new.
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:iconwinterkate:
Wow. First off, wow. I love the way you describe things especially much in this piece - how you personify anxiety and perfectly capture things that are 'normal'. They are relatable and brilliant at the same time. The parentheses and line breaks work well in this poem. The emotions are amazing and the clarity, the clarity is golden. The only part that I'm sketchy about in this work is the end. I feel like that one last verse almost invalidates the first ones. I don't think you could end it at the second-to-last verse, I get that, but...I don't know. It seems that you present this poem as such the work of someone in recovery and acceptance, and then there's this unforeshadowed relapse that invalidates a lot of what you've talked about. I feel like if you want to keep that, you should expand on it further.
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:iconthypoetsorcerer:
ThyPoetSorcerer Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Reading this piece aloud to myself is an amazing experience. The consonance patterns really give it a delightful rhythm, like all those W's on the third stanza, or the back and forth between the B's, the Ms and the F's on the forth. My speech organs are pretty freaking happy right now.

Also these lines touched me deeply: "I’m at it again, building barricades
from ashes and calling them friends." You know when you have certain feelings that you can't just put into words? Yeah, you just did that for me. Thank you :heart:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much :heart: i'm so glad to know you liked it
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:iconperfling:
Perfling Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student General Artist
Beautiful :)
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much :love:
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:iconperfling:
Perfling Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student General Artist
You're quite welcome :)
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
you've been featured here: [link]

:thumbsup:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:love:
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
I love the sort of breathless pace of this, and "the sapphire saturation of your voice" is just... gah. :love:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're so lovely :love: thank you!
Reply
:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
Oh. hot. damn.

This is perfect...I want to sit here and read it for the next hour. I love the up-tempo rhythm. ( at least, when I read it in my head, it seemed quick.)

so many awesome lines, I cant choose from among them. The ending is wonderful as always, the second and fourth stanzas are brilliant.

"If I squint sideways, things begin to look straight. past
becomes an honest mistake and North is no longer
buried below a murky sea;"

I love the concept there. All in all.. outstanding. 124343455342345 stars. :)
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