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rum-lust lips make gentle friends,
words slurred in hands blurred,
burning in between the lines to find
some
drunken concoction of wilted laughs
and heavy sighs, scented sultry
with desperation.

you are that
rasping in my throat when my voice
deteriorates and I am left breathless
and hopeless and raw, my
muscles ache in memory of the
motions to forget-
we do not let go.

and cold beds call, stability,
metal frames and sunken heads –
rest now, rest with
a prayer on your lips you don't
care to share, a dream in
your mind you'll never get back;
rest and the earth will lend you peace
and

you will stop. the rivers will clean
your bones; the sand will smooth
your tongue; you will stop, brain blank,
as smooth ivory promises persist.
(interpretations mean less than nothing)

you will stop and rest,
finally,
at peace.
and in that moment, it truly felt like a dream
(you never woke up)
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:iconperfling:
Perfling Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2013  Student General Artist
Was reading this without knowing the author, and wasn't surprised to see it was you ;) - fantastic as always!!
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much!
Reply
:iconthepoetboy:
thepoetboy Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
(sorry, comment entered somehow!)

and cold beds call, stability,
metal frames and sunken heads –
rest now, rest with
a prayer on your lips you don't
care to share, a dream in
your mind you'll never get back;
rest and the earth will lend you peace
and

you will stop. the rivers will clean
your bones; the sand will smooth
your tongue; you will stop, brain blank,
as smooth ivory promises persist.


this part is so beautiful i love the image of the metal frames and sunken heads and the rivers and sand smooth tongue and god smooth ivory promises. beautiful imagery with beautiful meaning.

not to mention i adore the and in that moment, it truly felt like a dream / (you never woke up

truly gorgeous like you!♥
Reply
:iconthepoetboy:
thepoetboy Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
god this is beautiful. i adore this line here:

you are that
rasping in my throat when my voice
deteriorates and I am left breathless
and hopeless and raw


its just really powerful and moving. ugh how do you write so well, doll?

this whole
this whole part here though
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013
the rivers will clean
your bones; the sand will smooth
your tongue; you will stop, brain blank,
as smooth ivory promises persist.


God that's beautiful. :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
your work has been featured here: [link] please go check out the other pieces & have a nice day :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
ohmygosh you're wonderful :heart: you have such amazing features, thank you so much!
Reply
:iconexistencewesummonyou:
Oh, I love the ecstatic cascade of sounds in this poem - "words slurred in hands blurred,/ burning in between the lines" - my tongue just tumbles effortlessly down lines like that - good stuff!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:love: thank you! It was so much fun to write out and read, too :heart:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is stunning, dear. Such a smooth read and it settles so nicely at the end. :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
wow, thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
A pleasure.. :heart:
Reply
:iconsummerday27:
summerday27 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is breathtaking. I'm speachless :faint: :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconsummerday27:
summerday27 Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome :hug:
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
rum lust lips make gentle friends,
---
i think there should be a hyphen between "rum-lust." or you can be assertive and just make it one word, like "rumlust." it's suited to the poem.

you will stop. the rivers will clean
your bones, the sand will smooth
your tongue, you will stop.
your brain will blank, smooth ivory
commitments coax. interpretations mean
less than nothing, fingers feel free,
---
before this stanza, this poem had such a smooth and intoxicating cadence. there's just something "off" here. i think if you formatted the lines as follows--

you will stop. the rivers will clean
your bones; the sand with smooth
your tongue; you will stop, brain blank,
smooth ivory commitments coaxing:
interpretations mean less than nothing--

i realize that i omitted "fingers feel free." i really just didn't like that line; it's so plain amongst your otherwise dramatic wording.

finally, i would suggest "at peace" rather than "in peace." and also the inclusion of a period.




otherwise, i think this is one of my favorites from you. it was gorgeous. thank you for sharing.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the feedback! I changed rum-lust and "at peace." And I agree, that stanza felt a little off. I wanted it to come out differently than it had. I used your suggestions and tweaked a few words, I think it flows better now.

Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
oh, i like what you did with it!

not a problem :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you again!

I respect your opinion so much :huggle:
Reply
:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
haoufihapirepoaf

Marry me, 'k?
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you're so wonderful.

of course! :iconlainloveplz:
Reply
:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
HUZZAH!! Henceforth, this shall take place! I'll have you flown to France this evening on a private jet! :iconlainloveplz:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
HUZZAH! Sounds delightful!
Reply
:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
:giggle: How was your new year?
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:iconintrasect:
IntraSect Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
I find myself afraid to interpret. Fortunately, for the less than nothing, we would both go unnoticed.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Don't be afraid, I always respect your opinion (and value it, too ;p)
Reply
:icondeinktvis:
deinktvis Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Student Writer
damn, sis...great stuff. wonderful flow!
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:la: thank you so much!
Reply
:icondeinktvis:
deinktvis Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Student Writer
:nod:
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Student Writer
What a story... :love:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Student Writer
My pleasure! :love:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
loved this bit: a dream in
your mind you'll never get back


really liked the rhythm in the final stanza.

great piece.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:la: thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
welcome :)
Reply
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