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Literature. by Hanaki-chan

Lit - Poem by autumnlit


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Submitted on
August 20, 2012
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"I don't think I'm holding on any longer
I'm diving in.
I wish that you would see,
there's a magical land at the bottom of the ocean
where waterproof lungs let you be
everything you've dreamed.
You can bury underneath the sand
and not be found-
it's the land that's been promised to me
in late night whispers
and burnt tears
wasted on things that don't matter.

I know it's real,
broken minds can't lie
and I can feel it in my bones-
there's something more.
What other reasons would we live for?

They say you inhale saltwater
and exhale enlightenment.
The waves pour over you
and finally make you clean (pure)
No one knows where you are
so your problems don't follow
and neither does time.
It all fades away
until you disintegrate
like your worries.

You can only get there
with a heart that doesn't beat
because humans' empty brains
retain buoyancy.
You need to be all the way gone
to go-
to sink.
To ascend.

I want to go and find myself
and live the dreams I never had.
I swear, it's not that bad-
I just want to be free.

I'd hold my breath until my death
so I could finally see.
Don't take this promise from me."

         "is it really better there?                        
            is it worth it?"
                        

"I'm choking on reality
is it really better here?

My heart already doesn't beat.
I hope my weighted feet
will help me sink.

You know what I have to do."

         "I'd follow you into all depths,
            I'd learn to hold my breath."


"It's better there, I promise.
Just come with me; breathe in the sea.
In the water, you'll find something new.
My eyes already are swimming-"

         "If they ask me, I'm with you."
There's a cemetery deep below the sea;
There the space is reserved for fools like me.
Tried to kill myself at least a dozen times,
But nothing seemed to turn out right.

If you want, then when we die,
We'll ascend to some place way up high.
At the gate, they'll show you through.
If they ask me, I'm with you.

[link]

The scariest thoughts are the justifications.

If you would like to critique:
:bulletred:What do you think, too blunt?
:bulletorange:Does making it a conversation work?
:bulletyellow:Where there parts that were stronger or weaker?
:bulletgreen: What lasting message do you pull?

If you don't want to critique, I still appreciate feedback/favs! Thank you for reading.

EDIT: Thank you so so much for the DD, and to anyone who favorited this work! I'm still reeling in disbelief :love:
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2012-10-12
:iconautumnlit:
This is emotionally perfect. I don't officially know anything about poem structure or grammar because beautiful art shouldn't have rules.

I love the reference to "diving in" I feel like this means letting go and going deeper, because it is sensed that our actions have some effect, something significant, even if it is in a small way.

"You can only get there with a heart that doesn't beat because human's empty brains retain buoyancy" I feel like this is a reference to our flaws. We all have flaws, it's what makes us unique, so we make mistakes like the "airheads" we are and we'll never be able to always grasp every certainty and understanding. This line feels something of the wanting to just let go, not wanting to make any more mistakes, which the only way would to be to dive all the way down to death. The "justification" is not making anymore mistakes, an easy release brings a salted smile, but the justification is a mistake in itself.

The song linked is lovely and I am happy you shared it.
This brings a beautiful connection to the dialogue. The ending line of the speaker saying they will stick with them through whatever they go through, and that they will always have them inside them held with love. I get the impression that the speaker in bold is representing this song, and also strongly looks up to the main speaker of the poem. They ask the main speaker if they are sure, and stick by them either way. I think this conversation adds something very powerful to this poem and I am glad you added it.

This poem and song with out a doubt moved me, so I am giving you 5 stars for the creativity, the imagery, the original way you expressed these very deep diving emotions, the technique it was presented provided a very deep impact.

As for the lasting message, we are flawed. Maybe the message is, we should stop using our flaws as excuses and just keep trudging through our mistakes.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconcontradictory55:
For certain topics, bluntness is wonderful. And this is one of them. The mind of one suicidal can be perfectly sane, and I think it's what we all fear. It's why we want friends, to stop us from 'diving in'. But this person has changed the mind of their friend, a perhaps too loyal a friend to disagree. I have to agree with you, the scariest thoughts are the justifications. Even this makes sense to me, and yet...what is the use of enlightenment if you cannot share it with the world? That would be the way I would avoid this logic.

A conversation is what adds impact. It shows how the justification has changed the mind of another, and it is just really scary. The second, third, and fourth stanzas are the ones that have the most impact, but the other parts are strong enough on their own.

The lasting message is that this is the reason we have friends. To argue with this near perfect logic, to keep us from diving in, or maybe to even dive in with us, sad though that thought is. Also, the justification for suicide is a thing to be feared....
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconjessica-juicebox:
jessica-juicebox Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013
I long to be in the bottom of the ocean
and always have 
I am here for you.
~Evalyn (I have many names)
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you <3
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013
Hey there I featured this piece here and just thought I'd let you know.

Thanks!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :love: can't wait to read everyone else's pieces!
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013
:D hehe! I picked everyones most popular, most recent and one other.
Reply
:icondeinktvis:
deinktvis Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Student Writer
wow! i missed this! gratz on the DD! i have been on dA uhder one nema or another for over 6 years and i have never gotten a dd ;)
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! it was because the beautiful *TheAutumnCrocus suggested me! :heart:
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is a well written piece in terms of both meaning and imagery. There were some beautiful instances where I loved the way you had worded expressions and at times the thought was really provoking. I didn't get the theme to be honest. That is a problem I have with almost all of your works other than a rare few that truly registered to both my mind and my heart. This one registered well to my heart but not as much to my mind.

Congrats on the DD :) Keep writing wonderful works!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I tried not to specifically spell out the theme, so it wouldn't be overly heavy and redundant. I danced around the idea of suicide and the mentality of a person on that edge.

Thank you very much! :heart:
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh... in all honesty... I didn't get it ^^; You are welcome :D
Reply
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