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Literature Text
"I don't think I'm holding on any longer
I'm diving in.
I wish that you would see,
there's a magical land at the bottom of the ocean
where waterproof lungs let you be
everything you've dreamed.
You can bury underneath the sand
and not be found-
it's the land that's been promised to me
in late night whispers
and burnt tears
wasted on things that don't matter.
I know it's real,
broken minds can't lie
and I can feel it in my bones-
there's something more.
What other reasons would we live for?
They say you inhale saltwater
and exhale enlightenment.
The waves pour over you
and finally make you clean (pure)
No one knows where you are
so your problems don't follow
and neither does time.
It all fades away
until you disintegrate
like your worries.
You can only get there
with a heart that doesn't beat
because humans' empty brains
retain buoyancy.
You need to be all the way gone
to go-
to sink.
To ascend.
I want to go and find myself
and live the dreams I never had.
I swear, it's not that bad-
I just want to be free.
I'd hold my breath until my death
so I could finally see.
Don't take this promise from me."
"is it really better there?
is it worth it?"
"I'm choking on reality
is it really better here?
My heart already doesn't beat.
I hope my weighted feet
will help me sink.
You know what I have to do."
"I'd follow you into all depths,
I'd learn to hold my breath."
"It's better there, I promise.
Just come with me; breathe in the sea.
In the water, you'll find something new.
My eyes already are swimming-"
"If they ask me, I'm with you."
I'm diving in.
I wish that you would see,
there's a magical land at the bottom of the ocean
where waterproof lungs let you be
everything you've dreamed.
You can bury underneath the sand
and not be found-
it's the land that's been promised to me
in late night whispers
and burnt tears
wasted on things that don't matter.
I know it's real,
broken minds can't lie
and I can feel it in my bones-
there's something more.
What other reasons would we live for?
They say you inhale saltwater
and exhale enlightenment.
The waves pour over you
and finally make you clean (pure)
No one knows where you are
so your problems don't follow
and neither does time.
It all fades away
until you disintegrate
like your worries.
You can only get there
with a heart that doesn't beat
because humans' empty brains
retain buoyancy.
You need to be all the way gone
to go-
to sink.
To ascend.
I want to go and find myself
and live the dreams I never had.
I swear, it's not that bad-
I just want to be free.
I'd hold my breath until my death
so I could finally see.
Don't take this promise from me."
"is it really better there?
is it worth it?"
"I'm choking on reality
is it really better here?
My heart already doesn't beat.
I hope my weighted feet
will help me sink.
You know what I have to do."
"I'd follow you into all depths,
I'd learn to hold my breath."
"It's better there, I promise.
Just come with me; breathe in the sea.
In the water, you'll find something new.
My eyes already are swimming-"
"If they ask me, I'm with you."
Literature
Lullaby
"I've been waiting my entire life to tell you that I'm dying and I figured I'd finally get it over with.
So here I am, carving forgive me
into my teeth, so every time that I speak
I can still say that I'm sorry.
More years have passed in the last than I care to remember
but I could never forget:
In eighth grade my chorus teacher always told me,
'Michael, you'll never be good enough.'
and it always excited me. It reminded me of my mother.
On the last day of school she smiled,
her teeth jagged like a train wreck,
she didn't say a word,
but I knew exactly what she meant.
In high school I fell in love with a roadside bomb waiting to be deton
Literature
Lintukoto
Life as a stained glass window in the cosmos:
a well of misfortune, shattered hours,
pieces of night and liquid decades.
A bird crosses the universe
and in the corner of eternity it warbles
a song that encloses everything.
I escape to the route of tempest:
the galaxy, oniric labyrinths,
a spiral path to madness.
Literature
for unseeing eyes
laden with sky
we stumbled
and painted mockingbirds
on loveless branches
folding in our slender limbs
and ducking under our own
voices, fidgety and frail
against the wall of night.
between the dipping blades
and drawn shoulders
we learned to craft our words
steady-soft,
a drumming rain
that carved canyons
in open hearts and
drew the sunshine to
our supping lips.
keen-eyed, we watched
remembering the weight
of unseeing eyes
and scalding remarks
and we learned to slip
the noose-knots and slide
through the soul-cracks
and somehow
build kingdoms under
upturned noses.
with lyrical uncertainty
and tender determinat
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There's a cemetery deep below the sea;
There the space is reserved for fools like me.
Tried to kill myself at least a dozen times,
But nothing seemed to turn out right.
If you want, then when we die,
We'll ascend to some place way up high.
At the gate, they'll show you through.
If they ask me, I'm with you.
[link]
The scariest thoughts are the justifications.
If you would like to critique:
What do you think, too blunt?
Does making it a conversation work?
Where there parts that were stronger or weaker?
What lasting message do you pull?
If you don't want to critique, I still appreciate feedback/favs! Thank you for reading.
EDIT: Thank you so so much for the DD, and to anyone who favorited this work! I'm still reeling in disbelief
There the space is reserved for fools like me.
Tried to kill myself at least a dozen times,
But nothing seemed to turn out right.
If you want, then when we die,
We'll ascend to some place way up high.
At the gate, they'll show you through.
If they ask me, I'm with you.
[link]
The scariest thoughts are the justifications.
If you would like to critique:
What do you think, too blunt?Does making it a conversation work?Where there parts that were stronger or weaker? What lasting message do you pull?If you don't want to critique, I still appreciate feedback/favs! Thank you for reading.
EDIT: Thank you so so much for the DD, and to anyone who favorited this work! I'm still reeling in disbelief
© 2012 - 2024 intricately-ordinary
Comments106
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Overall Vision Originality Technique Impact1. No, I didn't find this too blunt at all. It was gorgeous.
2. A conversation was perfect, because it showed how one convinced the other to come with her to sea. That, I thought, was the truly scary yet beautiful thing: his love and loyalty to her.
2. I didn't find any weak parts, if that's what you mean. They all were equal in strength.
4. By which you mean...? Well, I thought this was one of the greatest poems I've read on dA. Using the idea of the ocean was perfect for this, and you made it work beautifully. The the depth and meaning behind this was just...amazing.
Let's go to the ratings now, shall we?
Vision: You've got it. When a line sounds too forced or something is too unclear, you can tell the writer had know idea what he was talking about. This is not the case for this poem.
Originality: As kymira12 said, the theme was suicide, so I couldn't really give full points for that, since there are tons of suicidal writings and such. However, the idea to use the ocean was enough to keep you from only getting four stars.
Technique: This was written extremely well, in style and grammar (although there were a couple errors). I always love reading pieces that are only written as conversations, because it takes a really good writer to be able to provide sufficient detail to make it work.
Impact: This was also beautifully done. I myself don't believe suicide is the right choice, but I know how it feels when things get so bad that you're pretty much delusional. And for her to feel so strongly that suicide is her only hope and to be so determined, and to even convince someone to believe the demented lie was just...well, scary, really, but thought-provoking.
All in all, great work. You really deserved that DD and I hope to read more from you in the future.