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December 19, 2012
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we're dancing in that narrow expanse where the only sound
is the contraction of a writhing unwilling heart;
we're finding our way back to the surface through
layers like paper ceilings and puppet strings

and we're tied out by our own shortcomings- snaked
like a noose, fangs nip at our heels and

we've lost control,  and we've lost direction
and we've lost ourselves in the people that mean
nothing. we curl up like a tapeworm deep inside
esophagus' and promise we'll never leave
(oh please promise me you'll share my heart
when the anemic night comes)

leaden feet and feather eyes, I can't see what
you mean but I found an answer between
the gravity of my hands meeting the ground again
as the world refuses to catch me-

breathing is not an instinct, it is a learned trait
(we are lists of remedies and ailments)

I will never remember
how to scrap the floor back together when
my demons tear through and devour beams
like false senses of security,

[again] we are lists of wants and hopes and
dreams and people we've touched- a glance
and a brush (and somewhere, a butterfly
flaps its wings so a child can
close its eyes for a final time)

our names weigh down like pebbles and we know
we are not the strength that makes boulders,
we are not mountains large enough
to scratch initials between,

we do not measure up to mirrors.

stop
and look; stop
and is it really
possible
to be
worth
less than yourself?


these eyes will never launch a story but
my nimble fingers will animate eclipsing seconds
before I'm back to bones- in a wink

the dance halts [and no one minds]
Silence is more comforting than these transgressive thuds.

For #theWrittenRevolution:
What images positively stuck out to you? Which, if any, stuck out negatively? Does it flow well? Do the various components, like the portion in italics and the stanzas in first person, change it (for better or worse)? What lasting message do you pull? Any other feedbacks or criticism.

Critique: [link]
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hi there! :) This is a comment for #theWrittenRevolution. It doubles as an entry to ^Beccalicious's 12 Days of Critmas!

I'll start by saying that I really appreciate how purposeful your use of different punctuation and font style was in creating an engaging, but not distracting format. :) Kudos! Most stuff on dA that uses those sorts of techniques are very amateur, but everything in this felt like it was placed after much thought and care. :thumbsup:

A lot of your imagery was vivid and powerful and concise, which I also appreciate. There's nothing more frustrating than a metaphor that runs away with itself. ;) You kept yours in check very well. "Anemic night" and the lists were wonderful. :heart:

My biggest issue is in the first few stanzas. Your use of "their" confused me on the first read, and took me out of the poem on the second and third reads. I think that if you eliminate both uses in the beginning it will take that confusion out and serve to make your imagery more immediate and impacting. The use of "I guess" in the following stanza also felt weak in comparison to your very assertive language previous and later in the poem.

Other than those rather small niggles, I really think you've written a beautiful piece here. :) Excellent work! :+favlove:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I just want to say, thank you so much for the critique! I'm glad to hear what worked and happy you pointed out those problems, too. I never read it that way until you mentioned it, but both definitely stick out. I fixed them, now. Thank you so much! :heart:
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:D Glad to help!
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:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
I don't know why, but it's always that little additional sentence you add in your description that immediately adheres itself to my brain upon reading it, moreso than the entirety of the poem itself. :lol:
:iconbigheartplz:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That makes me so happy :love: I work really hard thinking about them!
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:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
Do you? It always seems like they come so naturally! :love:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
hehe, some come more easily than others!
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:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
Ain't that the truth!
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
What images positively stuck out to you?

[again] we are lists of wants and hopes and
dreams and people we've touched- a glance
and a brush (and somewhere, a butterfly
flaps its wings so a child can
close its eyes for a final time)


Which, if any, stuck out negatively?

... none in particular

Does it flow well?

I'll admit, I had to re-read this work around three to four times before I could understand what was being talked of. So... I'll have to say (in my opinion), not really... it requires tuckering down to read...

Do the various components, like the portion in italics and the stanzas in first person, change it (for better or worse)?

They change the tone towards negativity, and the progression is good...it helps in understanding the implications of the imagery... the brackets help in understanding how it is to be read, while the italized is a very abrupt way to get the main point of the writer through.

What lasting message do you pull?

At an individual level, it just shows that society is nothing... its just one big mixed bag. Nothing more, nothing less...

Any other feedbacks or criticism.

What's the purpose of the strike-through? I didn't understand that.

Apart from that... nothing in particular, its... good enough... Some of the imagery is very relatable, especially the last three stanzas. I think that way.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your feedback. I enjoyed the individual message you pulled. In response to your question, a lot of the reason I struck that word was because of it's actual negative definition. But, also, because I wanted it to be an allusion to the greater theme I'd intended, and because no one ever wants to hear how someone doesn't want to live. I was trying to emphasize that.
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