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All The Poets Come To Life by flummo

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Literature by Sammur-amat


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December 19, 2012
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we're dancing in that narrow expanse where the only sound
is the contraction of a writhing unwilling heart;
we're finding our way back to the surface through
layers like paper ceilings and puppet strings

and we're tied out by our own shortcomings- snaked
like a noose, fangs nip at our heels and

we've lost control,  and we've lost direction
and we've lost ourselves in the people that mean
nothing. we curl up like a tapeworm deep inside
esophagus' and promise we'll never leave
(oh please promise me you'll share my heart
when the anemic night comes)

leaden feet and feather eyes, I can't see what
you mean but I found an answer between
the gravity of my hands meeting the ground again
as the world refuses to catch me-

breathing is not an instinct, it is a learned trait
(we are lists of remedies and ailments)

I will never remember
how to scrap the floor back together when
my demons tear through and devour beams
like false senses of security,

[again] we are lists of wants and hopes and
dreams and people we've touched- a glance
and a brush (and somewhere, a butterfly
flaps its wings so a child can
close its eyes for a final time)

our names weigh down like pebbles and we know
we are not the strength that makes boulders,
we are not mountains large enough
to scratch initials between,

we do not measure up to mirrors.

stop
and look; stop
and is it really
possible
to be
worth
less than yourself?


these eyes will never launch a story but
my nimble fingers will animate eclipsing seconds
before I'm back to bones- in a wink

the dance halts [and no one minds]
Silence is more comforting than these transgressive thuds.

For #theWrittenRevolution:
What images positively stuck out to you? Which, if any, stuck out negatively? Does it flow well? Do the various components, like the portion in italics and the stanzas in first person, change it (for better or worse)? What lasting message do you pull? Any other feedbacks or criticism.

Critique: [link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hi there! :) This is a comment for #theWrittenRevolution. It doubles as an entry to ^Beccalicious's 12 Days of Critmas!

I'll start by saying that I really appreciate how purposeful your use of different punctuation and font style was in creating an engaging, but not distracting format. :) Kudos! Most stuff on dA that uses those sorts of techniques are very amateur, but everything in this felt like it was placed after much thought and care. :thumbsup:

A lot of your imagery was vivid and powerful and concise, which I also appreciate. There's nothing more frustrating than a metaphor that runs away with itself. ;) You kept yours in check very well. "Anemic night" and the lists were wonderful. :heart:

My biggest issue is in the first few stanzas. Your use of "their" confused me on the first read, and took me out of the poem on the second and third reads. I think that if you eliminate both uses in the beginning it will take that confusion out and serve to make your imagery more immediate and impacting. The use of "I guess" in the following stanza also felt weak in comparison to your very assertive language previous and later in the poem.

Other than those rather small niggles, I really think you've written a beautiful piece here. :) Excellent work! :+favlove:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I just want to say, thank you so much for the critique! I'm glad to hear what worked and happy you pointed out those problems, too. I never read it that way until you mentioned it, but both definitely stick out. I fixed them, now. Thank you so much! :heart:
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:D Glad to help!
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:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
I don't know why, but it's always that little additional sentence you add in your description that immediately adheres itself to my brain upon reading it, moreso than the entirety of the poem itself. :lol:
:iconbigheartplz:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That makes me so happy :love: I work really hard thinking about them!
Reply
:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
Do you? It always seems like they come so naturally! :love:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
hehe, some come more easily than others!
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:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
Ain't that the truth!
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
What images positively stuck out to you?

[again] we are lists of wants and hopes and
dreams and people we've touched- a glance
and a brush (and somewhere, a butterfly
flaps its wings so a child can
close its eyes for a final time)


Which, if any, stuck out negatively?

... none in particular

Does it flow well?

I'll admit, I had to re-read this work around three to four times before I could understand what was being talked of. So... I'll have to say (in my opinion), not really... it requires tuckering down to read...

Do the various components, like the portion in italics and the stanzas in first person, change it (for better or worse)?

They change the tone towards negativity, and the progression is good...it helps in understanding the implications of the imagery... the brackets help in understanding how it is to be read, while the italized is a very abrupt way to get the main point of the writer through.

What lasting message do you pull?

At an individual level, it just shows that society is nothing... its just one big mixed bag. Nothing more, nothing less...

Any other feedbacks or criticism.

What's the purpose of the strike-through? I didn't understand that.

Apart from that... nothing in particular, its... good enough... Some of the imagery is very relatable, especially the last three stanzas. I think that way.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your feedback. I enjoyed the individual message you pulled. In response to your question, a lot of the reason I struck that word was because of it's actual negative definition. But, also, because I wanted it to be an allusion to the greater theme I'd intended, and because no one ever wants to hear how someone doesn't want to live. I was trying to emphasize that.
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah... that's why there're hints of scratches in the end... fair enough...
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:iconyogateacher:
YogaTeacher Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Good god... the imagery in that and the meaning behind it was so expansive and spot on. You mixed gruesome (gruesome? I'm refering to the tapeworm, which stuck out strongly and added a lot without being far from the idea of the rest); philosophically beautiful; and urgently broken very well. I appreciated the transition from "we do not measure up to mirrors" into the italics, but I would say that the use of "ohmygod" stops the magic (the dance) because it changes the tone, makes it more needy while the rest seems observatory, describing the pain that's there rather than requiring or expecting. Speaking of the dance, that beginning and ending tied it together precisely, and made way for the body to flow in its own way. You've done something great here, something understandable but new; your own.
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:iconyogateacher:
YogaTeacher Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I wanted to add that I read this the first time right after watching the clip of "All That Jazz" from Chicago... it worked insanely well. This is someone, two people realizing that the adventure, experimenting and trying to find themselves in the confusion of the world only made them lose themselves. Two people from different places losing themselves through each other, by expecting too much and not know what they can (or have to) give. It seems like a waltz- at the point where neither can continue moving and finding, but they don't know how to stop (and at the end, they'll look back and realize there was no end because the beginning never held any worth).

breathing is not an instinct, it is a learned trait
I loved that line... [I'm sorry] I loved that line, but the rest of that stanza fell flat; it was everything it needed to be on its own.

Also, thank you, because in meaning that (and forcing me to explain), it meant a lot.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I had to wait a while to respond to this comment(s) because it's just something really wonderful for me, knowing how you saw it and what you pulled from it. I took out the ohmygod in that stanza. It was a lot rawer before editing, I agree, it didn't fit in anymore. I'm so glad you felt it was "philosophically beautiful" and that it was broken well. And that you picked up on the dancing mentions in the first and last stanzas, which was why I kept the poem the same layout it was instead of inverting the ending. And thank you for telling me about how you were watching All That Jazz, too. It was really interesting to look at the song, then back at my poem again with new eyes. I definitely see where you pulled all that from. And I cut out the middle line in the stanza you were talking about, too.

Thank you for all your feedback and interpretations, it really means the world to me :heart:
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:iconyogateacher:
YogaTeacher Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I believed I had answered this, but apparently not:

It flows well, from beginning to end, becoming itself in a way... I'm glad I could help. (It reads a lot differently on its own, and I like it alone as it's own thing too).
Reply
:icondogmatickerr:
DogmaticKerr Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Do you do readings - because, wowzers... :heart: I am loving this continual look into such a deliciously poetic mind, seeing image after crafted image - which is really is a wonderful thing. You're putting so many ideas out there, in such specific and well-worded ways that it would be impossible to not see your poetry, as much as read it and feel it. There is a lot to love here, but I am particularly fond of "breathing is not an instinct, it is a learned trait..." and "we do not measure up to mirrors" and, lets be honest, most everything else, too :lmao: :clap:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I never have, though it might be something I'm interested in. And aw, thank you :la: I'm always so delighted to hear if my poetry really connects to someone. Those were some of my favorite lines, too :aww: Thank you again!
Reply
:icondogmatickerr:
DogmaticKerr Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oooh, I bet your voice is as lovely as the rest of you :iconmeltplz: If you ever do try it, I would love to hear! I've done it a few times myself, but nothing extensive! And of course! I get the feeling that most of your work will connect with me... if not all :faint: Now that would be something! You're welcome Miss Intricately :bow:
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
[again] we are lists of wants and hopes and
dreams and people we've touched- a glance
and a brush (and somewhere, a butterfly
flaps its wings so a child can
close its eyes for a final time)

our names weigh down like pebbles and we know
we are not the strength that makes boulders,
we are not mountains large enough
to scratch initials between,

we do not measure up to mirrors.


--this. is amazing. all of it, really, but this especially.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:love: oh my gosh, thank you so much
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
welcome :)
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:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The images that stuck out positively to me were the writhing heart, the tapeworm, the butterfly, the pebbles, and the last line about the dance. It was all so powerful, and very haunting. Parts almost sound unpleasant, at first, like it doesn't fit, but then I kept reading and it all worked in the end. All of your words flow together so nicely, with some sticking out more than others. It sort of reminds me of the ocean, with waves.

I love the way you composed it. I wouldn't change the physical structure of it at all. The structure makes the meaning different than without it, and it keeps the poem moving.

The first part of the poem seems to be talking about love, but then it talks about insecurities and inner demons. I can really relate to this poem because of this. It's like it's talking about my life, and about life in general. The end of the poem, I thought, was death. To me, it's very intricately woven, and every time I read it I get something more out of it. :)

I have one last thing to say: Thank you for a brilliant piece of work. :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"All of your words flow together so nicely, with some sticking out more than others. It sort of reminds me of the ocean, with waves." You made my day with this comment :love: that's all I could hope for writing this poem. And, in a way, I'm pleased you said some pieces fit unpleasantly at first. I wanted it to be something to all come together and make sense in the last few lines.

I'm happy you were able to pull so many messages from it and that you pick up something different every time. and ;u; ohmygosh you never need to thank me for writing! thank you so much for reading and even more for leaving such a wonderful comment, I cannot tell you how much this means to me :heart:
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:icongreenleo94:
greenleo94 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Aww you're very welcome! :D My pleasure.
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:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012
A brilliant poem. You describe perfectly the self-degradation of a soul who believes it is worth less than the space it consumes. This poem, whilst the sad truth, is wonderfully and beautifully written.
Favorite lines:
"we've lost control, and we've lost direction
and we've lost ourselves in the people that mean
nothing"
and
"these eyes will never launch a story "
again, I love it.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :heart: I'm so happy to hear it works and that you enjoyed it. (by the way, I really like how you worded this)
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:iconthepoetboy:
thepoetboy Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
god i love this whole stanza:

leaden feet and feather eyes, I can't see what
you mean but I guess I found an answer between
the gravity of my hands meeting the ground again
as the world refuses to catch me-


especially the use of the word gravity! and oh, i love this:

breathing is not an instinct, it is a learned trait
for those with common sense and a purpose.


its such a nice line and its just
i cant put my finger on the word to describe what it stirred in me

and also i love love love this we do not measure up to mirrors.

god it just really
struck me

this is beautiful
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
this is just the best comment. you found all the little things I threw in that meant the most to me :la: the breathing is not an instinct line was a comment about how sometimes getting through is hard, especially for people with self doubt (weak) and the line about mirrors was about how sometimes people manage to let themselves down. thank you so much :tighthug:
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:iconthepoetboy:
thepoetboy Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
this poem is so beautifully layered (like all of your work) and i love this one so much. youre so sweet♥
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
oh goodness, you are far too kind :love: thank you so very much!
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:iconthepoetboy:
thepoetboy Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
youre the kind one, love! ♥ my pleasure
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012   General Artist
Goodness, how much I love this piece and gosh, how much I love youuuu :heart:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you are so kind :heart: how much I love you, as well, sweetheart!
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012   General Artist
:iconlainloveplz:
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012  Student Writer
I feel like its a matter of how one views themselves. It's like... trying to find yourself when everyone else seems to have already done so, but you... don't know if what they think you are is what you are. It feels like expectations, of trying to find the balance between keeping a dream alive and knowing reality wants it to die.... that's what it feels like to me.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I think that's a perfect description. I really love how you mentioned a balance of dreams and reality, hopes and expectations. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment :heart:
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! My pleasure =)
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:iconsnowjoe72:
snowjoe72 Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012
I'm sorry, I tried reading it several times, but my sister is blasting music in the background and I can't concentrate. I wish I could offer an opinion, but I can't even hear myself think!
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
don't even worry about it! thank you for trying :hug:
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:iconsnowjoe72:
snowjoe72 Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012
You're welcome. :)
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:iconkiefer115:
Kiefer115 Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012
This is brilliant, utterly brilliant.

My answers are thus!:
1. "These eyes will never launch a story but, my nimble fingers will animate eclipsing sounds" is a gorgeous line and easily the most potently positive for me.
2. "My demons tear through and devour beams, like false senses of security" is my favourite line. It is negative, but beautifully accurate, I really enjoy the physicality of the description.
3. It doesn't flow perfectly, but I think that enhances the effect if anything, since when do these kind of thoughts meander gently through someone's mind?
4. I think the various components definitely add to the poem, they improve the aforementioned jarring flow of the poem.
5. The lasting message for me is that we are in a world of these nullifying scratches which will hamper our efforts but they provide us with something to break through and create something amazing.

My further feedback is just to keep at it, this is awesome!
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for answering my questions! :heart: I'm sort of glad it had a "jarring flow" like you mentioned. I wanted it to seem like an intermingled stream of personal thoughts and reflections. I also love the lasting message you pulled, it's beautifully put. Again, thank you so much for your lovely feedback! :tighthug:
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:icondannymechanist:
DannyMechanist Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
love it and i agree wirh ~NothingSpecial62

this line is something truly praiseworthy

"our names weigh down like pebbles and we know
we are not the strength that makes boulders,"
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm happy to hear that, it's always nice to know what works! Thank you so much! :heart:
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:icondannymechanist:
DannyMechanist Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The pleasure's all mine :)
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:iconnothingspecial62:
NothingSpecial62 Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012   General Artist
"our names weigh down like pebbles and we know
we are not the strength that makes boulders,"

T w T i adore this line. something about it just made my heart skip a beat.
beautiful job as always. ;w; again, your words always bring such beautiful imagery to my head--i just can't get enough. :heart:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ohh, I'm so happy! I really liked that line too, I thought about how labels and definitions weight us down. thank you for such sweet feedback, you are too kind :tighthug:
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:iconnothingspecial62:
NothingSpecial62 Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012   General Artist
;w; g'naaawe. i'm glad to hear that you're happy. i think that line works perfectly to express how labels and definitions in life works, and you are very welcome. <33 always. :hug:
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