Sta.sh
papery fingers flutter in the wind
a rustling melody's echo ensues
with long out-stretched arms they take me in
a magic rabbit hole I fall into
what masquerades of character and scene!
where yesterday merges with tomorrow
a land where reality's just a dream
and happiness holds a hand with sorrow
I can belong, I sing the writer's song
| Deviant Login | Shop | Join deviantART for FREE  |
Take the Tour  |
The words and meaning are intricately tied, I see, to the form and prosody of the piece. I do like the transition from the papery flutters (page) to the rabbit hole of the mind; in my mind that is the best part of the piece.
I also note that the piece is beautiful to the ear. The meter is a good example of meter used as a guideline rather than a hard and fast rule; it sounds just as organic and freeflowing as the scene you wish to describe. In a sense, I feel that it reflects the writer's song not as the physical penning of words, but as a "masquerade of character and scene," where the meaning can continue to shift and turn.
The lack of punctuation creates a blending effect that I'm still undecided on: It certainly helps that flowing nature, but it does make things a little less clear, particularly on that hinge between the second-to-last and last line. It's clear that "I can belong" refers to the "land," but it feels a bit distant and a little out of place in that end.
The last line, also, I feel, is the site of a very dramatic volta where the reader and the writer are suddenly linked--singer and songwriter--which I feel doesn't quite hit the spot for the sonnet petit. The internal rhyme clause makes the half-lines like constructive or destructive interference, and I feel that the effect in this case is destructive. There's almost a longing for a feeling of finality, but at the same time the feeling is that all that needs to be said has been said. So it's a mixed feeling I ended with.
Overall, I think it's a fine piece (perhaps I write too much in this critique, but I rarely draw the inspiration to do so), and I do like the two quatrains very much. I feel that the last line is a little lacking in some way, but I can't quite put my finger on it! Even still, the impact of your piece is clear, and you present it in a beautiful way.
Hoping I didn't sing off-key,
*Parsat
The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork
Please sign up or login to post a critique.