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:iconintricately-ordinary: More from intricately-ordinary


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All The Poets Come To Life by flummo

writing by Hfeather53

poems I - sorrow, melancholy, and the self by shehrozeameen


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December 25, 2012
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secrets entwined,
sugared kisses lie (dormant)
her starry smile twinkles,
linen skin, fresh, unwrinkled,
"wear me"

bodies out back in rows,
stowed, head to toe, measured
by stature, counted by
statistic.
you are a number.

hearts quiver, splayed
openly beating
bleeding defeating
purpose and point, pain
holds no meaning,
crudely careening

you are a number

and sailor boy swoons, caught
in the tides of her moon.
quaky sea feet hold no
ground

he's drowning on land
breathing in sand
falling

she's already gone,
grave gusts at dawn
whisper

you knew it all along,
she's gone

you are only a number.
and she smiles again, before the stars burn out.

perhaps there's a reason I don't write love poems.
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:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
"And she smiles again, before the stars burn out."

I swear, you have some of the most profound sentences I have ever seen, and every single one of them is inspiring to me.
OH MY GOD YOU'RE MY NEW MUSE.
THIS IS HAPPENING.
RIGHT NOW.
:O

(I don't think I've ever had a muse before. Wheeeeeee)

Anyway, I found this to be...disturbingly beautiful. I am perpetually amused by your rhyming when it surfaces--was it intentional this time? :giggle:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ahsdjkaghjksdlgahjdshkgjhsdk you just made my day you lovely woman! I don't think I've ever been anyone's muse before! :faint:

:la: I'm so glad, and, :giggle: yes, in this piece the rhyming was incredibly intentional xD it was the whole reason I wrote it.

Thank you so much! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
:iconlawooplz:

Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!!! :iconlahugplz:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
... I read this poem twice... it flowed so well...

Your rhyming is very well written, honestly; the opening seemed rough in the first running, but then got better as one read on.... :clap: and that's what happened once the rhyming started...

it was good, honestly speaking... the sense of being just one person who is shallow to comprehend what she was going through... and didn't do much about it...

Its a harsh feeling... well portrayed...
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! I'm glad it flowed well.
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ya know, this could be a song. :)
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh my gosh! writing songs is hard >> or, at least my attempts make it appear that way :giggle:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Bah...you have the rhythm for it.
That's the hard part.
Reply
:icondogmatickerr:
DogmaticKerr Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Good god, this is a wonderful piece. I was positively blushing by the end of the first stanza and then I felt myself jerked out of the reverie, forcefully, but in the best of ways. The flow is a fun thing to ponder over, too, it comes off almost as a fast-rap in my head but this could simply be because my heart was already beating fast and I just ran with it! In any case, I love the flow and the rhythm... and, as always, YOUR WORDS! :worship:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so happy you think so! What a lovely comment, thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:icondogmatickerr:
DogmaticKerr Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:D You're very much welcome, Miss Intricately! It is always my pleasure :heart:
Reply
:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Student General Artist
I love, I LOVE the rhyming scattered throughout the piece!
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
aw! :tighthug: thank you so much!
Reply
:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Student General Artist
You're so welcome! :glomp:
Reply
:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012
yay yay yay! This is wonderful. I know you said you don't incorporate rhyme schemes in your poems very often..I think you should start. The rhythm here is wonderful.. staccato at first, then balanced with stark contrast by the one liner at the end. just lovely. a fave.

Favorite lines:
"her starry smile twinkles,
linen skin, fresh, unwrinkled,
"wear me"'
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:love: Aw, thank you! I don't usually unless I am using a form. Every once in a while I will try to do a rhythmic piece, it's just harder to fit in all the information I want to when I do. Thank you, again! :heart: What a compliment from you!
Reply
:iconvertigoart:
VertigoArt Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Professional Writer
I can't write happy very well either. Life gets in the way when I try. This is good however.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I know what you mean, when you see so much of yourself in your work. Thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:iconkgoplay:
kgoplay Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012
I loved your writing. A promise of love and a reality of loss. Amazing
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much, that means the world! :heart:
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:iconsmokedance:
smokedance Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
i love this. so much.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh my gosh, wow, thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconnothingspecial62:
NothingSpecial62 Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012   General Artist
;w; I love the flow in this. It's beautiful, without too much or too little. <33
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: thank you so much! I worked really hard trying to balance everything.
Reply
:iconnothingspecial62:
NothingSpecial62 Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012   General Artist
;w; You're welcome. :heart: I think your hard work paid off, no worries. :hug:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: thank you so much! I worked really hard trying to balance everything.
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Student Writer
The repetition and second person 'you' perspective make it so fascinating to read... :love:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so glad! That's why I included those lines in here. Thank you! :heart:
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Student Writer
My pleasure!
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ah why do you say that? This is very beautiful. I really like the first stanza.

And I like the eeriness that follows. It makes for an interesting piece. A fleeting kind of love and a both common and uncommon sort of love.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! I guess I just don't write specifically in this genre a lot, and it's a totally different mindset. I'm so honored to hear you enjoyed it :love: Thank you again!
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Welcome :)
Ah, I see.
I did and you're welcome again.
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