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The sweetest curses are sugar on lips
If I died this evening, you'd find your name
aflame- the words I last shouted in vain
lingering on my tongue like a toxic kiss-
revenge is addicting, venomous pain,
even spent on cries I know are mundane
No fixing up this unholiest tryst,
forged by two fools who believed in their lies;
or maybe it was I, eager for light
even in spite of the flaws I had seen
Can light be fake? Were your twinkling eyes
a mere disguise to make me ignite?
Aflame, in vain, impure light fuels my screams
So, a break from free verse. This is a Petrarchan (learned what that was yesterday...) sonnet. For FFF's contest: [link], and to promote the lovely new group I am a contributor of: #Crowns-of-Sonnets Join if you are a lover of sonnets.


Tell me what you think. It's my first time using a form in a while, hope I'm not rusty.

edit: DLD [link]
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:iconallbeautifulthings:
allbeautifulthings Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is lovely! The title caught my eye in particular.
I do love the rhymes you have in here. They are not at all overdone. And I could see this becoming a spoken poem. (:
Though, I feel that the last word, "screams", throws off your beat a bit. I was expecting another rhyme there, actually! I'm sure "screams" works just as well. Sometimes it just depends on personal preference, I guess. ^_-
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
In the last line, "seen" is supposed to rhyme with "screams." It's the rhyme scheme for the petrarchan, which was really complicated for me xD

Thank you so much. I'm absolutely honored to have a compliment from a writer of your caliber :heart:
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:iconallbeautifulthings:
allbeautifulthings Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh my goodness! As far as poetry forms go, I really am only exposed to free verse and sonnets. So then you did a magnificent job! ^-^ Especially since you were just trying it out. It frequently takes me so many times to write a new poetry form well.

And I should be the one who is honored to have been noticed by a writer like yourself. :]
Reply
:iconvegetabelle:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012  Student General Artist
HA HA! If I got your meaning right, it's someone you don't like? There is actually someone I know whose last name has become a local euphemism. :D He's annoying.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yes, my intention was someone who'd had a falling out, and now spent their time cursing their mistakes.
Reply
:iconvegetabelle:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012  Student General Artist
That was what I thought. It's a very good poem. I'm impressed.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh wow, thank you so much! That means the world to me :tighthug:
Reply
:iconvegetabelle:
Vegetabelle Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012  Student General Artist
Ha Ha! ^_^ You're welcome. I mean that.
Reply
:iconnuitnuit01:
NuitNuit01 Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful writting. <3
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :tighthug: that means a lot
Reply
:iconnuitnuit01:
NuitNuit01 Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's a pleasure. <3
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here: [link]

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the feature, I really appreciate it!
Reply
:iconi-lost-my-way:
I-Lost-My-Way Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I LOVE this!!!! It flows so smoothly...
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, all the rhyming I abandoned in my free verses came out in one poem.
Reply
:iconi-lost-my-way:
I-Lost-My-Way Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It does seem like that. ;p
Reply
:icongogocherryrose:
gogocherryrose Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012
wow what a sonnet. i love the first four lines. amazing. :heart:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it
Reply
:icongogocherryrose:
gogocherryrose Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012
welcome!! :heart:
Reply
:iconemeraldice:
EmeraldIce Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:wave:

Hi :aww: Your wonderful work has been featured in my new journal - ..:: !dAs' 12th Birthday Art Featurama! ::..:party:

:iconsmallheartplz: :penguin: :bye:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for including me among such a lovely feature! I love the work, and I'm so honored
Reply
:iconemeraldice:
EmeraldIce Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It was a real joy to find tbh :nod: Your words are like a rainbow pallette of verbal candy :iconrainbowsheepplz: :clap:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, that means so much to me! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012
Awesome job! I'm not really very good with forms and such. It's amazing to me the way that this can be done! Great work! =)
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! Sonnets are definitely difficult.
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012
You're welcome! :hug:
Reply
:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Very nice, you do sonnets beautifully! :star:

I wish I had a talent for such elegant and traditional form like you!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! That means a lot, I struggled a little trying to get back to forms with this one.
Reply
:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome!
Reply
:iconlalaith913:
lalaith913 Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2012   Writer
Really cool idea and I admire your dedication to a traditional and difficult form. Nice work!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank-you! I know, sonnets are hard, and this is the first I've written in a long time. Thank you so much :)
Reply
:icontangerineterranova:
TangerineTerranova Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
oh.wow.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
is that good I hope...?
Reply
:icontangerineterranova:
TangerineTerranova Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
YES!!!! :D
Reply
:iconprideofpanem:
PrideofPanem Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012  Student General Artist
I like it and I worship your mad sonnet skillz :P :worship:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, thank you. I haven't written a sonnet in so long.
Reply
:iconcrumbledwings:
CrumbledWings Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012
I looked at it!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
And you were... AMAZED?!
Reply
:iconcrumbledwings:
CrumbledWings Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012
Nawwww but it was good ;p
Reply
:iconfeatherback:
featherback Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Absolutely wonderful! I think you did fantastic with the form, and the story is so very deep and complex. Excellent job! <33
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh thank you, I'm so glad! Did you understand the way the story unfolded within the form? I wasn't sure if all the thoughts linked into each other well.
Reply
:iconfeatherback:
featherback Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Aye, I did! It was a mite confusing at first, but that's why I like it so much: it took time to figure out, and so really made me think. In re-reading it I was able to appreciate it all the more. nUn Also there can be many different interpretations to the story, which is fantastic, and only adds to the depth.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh, thank you! That means so much to me! you're such a wonderful person :iconlaloveplz:
Reply
:iconfeatherback:
featherback Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're :iconmoarplz: wondrous! :la:
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012  Student Writer
It's really quite fascinating, the story behind it, of a lover who lost their other, it's kind of, hm...The feel of it is really painful I think, it really suits the back story.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! Did the way the thoughts and phrases wrap around make sense to you?
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2012  Student Writer
:nod: They were FASCINATING! And a bit lonely and bitter perhaps.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
While the flow is beautiful... I... don't completely get it. the reason is it is an assortment of thoughts. Each phrase is not linked to the next or if it is linked.... that is perhaps too subtle for me to understand. I like the first line and then lose it. I try to get each line... I do a bit an then you change the context. So for me it was honestly VERY confusing.

:iconcutecryplz: why am I unable to get such things!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I worried it might do that. For some reason, I think that happens with sonnets. Okay: story progression:
It starts saying curses are sweet. Because, as I'd intended, people enjoy to scream at things. Then I go onto say, if I died tonight I'd die cursing "you". Even though it's in vain, mundane, revenge is sweet and addicting. So, from there I move onto more concrete. I say I can't repair the relationship "we" had, it was foolish. But maybe "you" just used me, and lied to me, and I had believed it was all real. Then the last line concludes saying it's still in vain, and the betrayal fueled my screams.

I hope that helps?
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:hmm: let me :hmm: see. :confused: i think :? that I got an :idea: it is fine the way it is ^^The thing is... after you have explained it... there is little need to reread it again (it is not that I do not like it but there is no purpose to read it NOW). I do get it but still... the language is confusing. Ask someone else to see if they have a similar problem :)
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