Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
they called you beautiful

with porcelain eyes about to crack
and cigarette skin crumbling
away, a knotted spine and
jagged smile:

you were never gracious.

you're slipping underneath, this
virulent smog masks a paper sky that
never allowed a dream and

you're afraid because it's soaking in
your pores again, unattainable and unoriginal;
the meaning of life never meant enough-

you were never hopeful.

there's a getaway map on the underside
of your pillow, and a lifetime of secrets
on the underside of your bones

you're a walking travesty:
your chest ticks, dull
your wrist beats, dying
time is keeping you but

you were never patient.

you lie large enough to make us believe you
don't entertain nightmares, but what if
no one could hear you scream?

remarkable, it seems
caged birds really know how
to sing out

(you were always beautiful)
Ever notice how some of the strongest people break the easiest?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconad-kins:
Ad-Kins Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012
there's a getaway map on the underside
of your pillow, and a lifetime of secrets
on the underside of your bones

This makes me feel so conflicted. The first part is kinda whimsical and then suddenly!grimdark
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
yay! I'm glad. I tried to keep it fluid and moving throughout.
Reply
:iconwill7744:
Will7744 Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Professional Writer
doesn't need the tag line, you say it in the poem - a lot of nice images that flow together without weighing things down or calling too much attention to themselves - you peel back the onion on your subject nicely here while evoking a good narrative - particularly like "there's a getaway map on the underside/of your pillow, and a lifetime of secrets/on the underside of your bones", that's a cut stone - you got chops
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the feedback! It's always wonderful to know what I've done right, so I can continue to the same as I keep writing. Again, thank you, I appreciate the support!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012   General Artist
So very true. I know I always do.

Lovely piece of lit as always, madpie! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh, thank you so very much! you are so kind :huggle:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012   General Artist
and you are far too beautiful. :heart:
Reply
:iconkinthinia:
Kinthinia Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I love the imagery in this! Absolutely astounding, creating a beautiful story.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! I tried out a lot of new descriptions in this piece, I'm glad to hear it worked :tighthug:
Reply
:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012
Your fantastic work has been featured in Friday Night Features.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! can't wait to look at everyone else's work :heart:
Reply
:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
You're welcome.
Reply
:iconmisfitablegrae:
MisfitableGrae Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012   Writer
this is beautiful. there are so many images that i've read it several times and i will probably have to read it several more just to be able to fully appreciate...? eh that sounds wrong {as in not correct} but it's the best i've got. there are also a lot of words in here that i had to stop and look up. that's the best kind of poetry-- the kind that teaches you something useful. this poem, as cheesy as it sounds, does both. xD
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so honored you think so! thank you very much :heart:
Reply
:iconthemoormaiden:
TheMoorMaiden Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
there's a getaway map on the underside
of your pillow,


I think they were my favourite lines. :heart: It's a beautiful piece, and I really like the imagery you use throughout. I agree with *SomethingOnceSacred that there's something vaguely fairy tale-ish about it, and I like that aspect of it a lot. :D It actually made me think of The Goose Girl; I like that fairy tale a lot. :)

Lovely work, keep writing!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! I used to keep things under my pillow, when I was little, because I thought they would mean something. I believed in the magic of dreams and I thought that might somehow make my wishes and hopes come true.
I will have to go look up The Goose Girl now, thank you very much!
Reply
:iconthemoormaiden:
TheMoorMaiden Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome! :)
Reply
:iconthypoetsorcerer:
ThyPoetSorcerer Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Enchanting lines, I also love how there's a recurring sardonic tone to your poems.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! You know, I never realize how biting some of my poems are until I read them back.
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
lovely piece.

you're a walking travesty:
your chest ticks, dull
your wrist beats, dying
time is keeping you but

you were never patient.


--this rhythm is good.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I wrote those three lines "your chest ticks, dull..." on my wall, because I knew I had to use them somewhere.
Thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
I absolutely adore the fact that you are so into writing, that when you hear those lines in your head, you write them anywhere you can..even if it's on the wall. :)
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh, you are so sweet!
I just wish I had prettier handwriting ;-;
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
welcome :)
Reply
:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012
I do notice sometimes that the strongest people are the most easily broken. I really think it's because they put all of their efforts into being this ideal kind of "strong", and they don't really deal with their problems but instead shove them down, deep inside, and think themselves strong for "getting over them" when really, they haven't worked through them to be over, yet. Problems are like bridges in that you can't be over them until you've gone through completely. (I should write something to that idea.)
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That makes sense. I was thinking how sometimes strong people have a lot of reason to break down and a lot less resistance, like you were saying. I suppose I was just thinking it goes both ways: those we think of as weak hold up better than we could've planned, and those who we see as so strong fall apart easily.
Reply
:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012
Funny how it works that way, isn't it?
Reply
:iconligeiaandthehaunted:
LigeiaAndTheHaunted Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012
I appreciated the reading of your words. Thank you, that's great!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconsentienttree:
sentienttree Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Student Writer
It's that last line that makes this so powerful.
Wonderfully written.
:D
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm honored you think so! Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconfebruaryblue:
februaryblue Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I agree with the person who commented and said this hits home. I can't really describe it another way. The imagery is really powerful but the last line really ties the poem together because it mirrors the first line and contrasts with the statements in between the stanzas.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I hadn't intended to when I started, but I figured ending it with that line would wrap together the poem and message.
Thank you so much for your wonderful comment! :love:
Reply
:iconfebruaryblue:
februaryblue Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah of course! :heart:
Reply
:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012
This is wonderfully written.. so much so that it inspired me to write a reply poem. I hope you'll read it.
fav. lines:

there's a getaway map on the underside
of your pillow, and a lifetime of secrets
on the underside of your bones

these lines in particular made me think.. it's deep, and I love it.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you're wonderful :love:

thank you for everything
Reply
:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This hits home. Thank you.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you are so sweet, thank you for your kindness :heart:
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Student Writer
Yes. Because they're strong because they admitted to a weakness, to a past fear. One can fear the unknown, but it's always the known that is the scariest.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You can never hide from anything absolute.
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Student Writer
So you've just got to learn to live with it. That, or make it not absolute any longer.
Reply
:iconsomethingoncesacred:
SomethingOnceSacred Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Very beautiful, like the rest of your work.

This one speaks volumes, I think. At least it does to me.

It reads in a very... Whimsical sort of way. But tells a story that's far from a faerietale. Does that make sense?
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I was actually inspired by you as I was writing :love:

That makes a lot of sense. I used a lot of new imagery and characterization in this piece, which gave it lighter feel, I think. But... hopefully no fairytale ends like this. ^^;

Thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconsomethingoncesacred:
SomethingOnceSacred Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, my goodness XD; I'm so honored, dear! :huggle:

I don't think I read it as having a necessarily 'lighter' feeling to it, just a less... Realistic one? It read like a faerietale does, but definitely wasn't of the same content hahah.

It's my pleasure, dear! Always. ^^
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you're right, that's what I [poorly] tried to say.
(I cannot formulate words tonight!)
Reply
:iconsomethingoncesacred:
SomethingOnceSacred Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hahah, don't worry about it. I haven't had any words today either.
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconintricately-ordinary: More from intricately-ordinary


Featured in Collections

Literature by SomethingOnceSacred

Literature by TheMoorMaiden


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
November 14, 2012
File Size
1.1 KB
Submitted with
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,070
Favourites
64 (who?)
Comments
46
×