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Literature Text
for the past four years
I’ve been in love with a boy
who’s too busy loving life to notice
I exist. I don’t think he’s ever seen me
past his tunnel vision living--
I’m in love with a boy who
wears black gauges and swears
he’s a deist who’s fed up with
the backwards-fucked system
that governs our lives; he talks to me
about the symbolic importance
of hunger and need and rebellion
and isolationism and death as
Orwell and Golding must have written it,
and, god, I just want to crack open
my ribs so he can see the literary
starvation destroying me, the not-quite
metaphoric devastation of my liver and
paper cuts scarring my heart. I want
him to talk to me about the reasons
we ought to avoid college
and capitalism and commitment and explain
to me what this all really means.
[I want to be so unflinchingly honest
with you that it will be as natural
and sinful as all the others
before, just without the glare
of bare skin and self-hate. I want to tell you
about the dam two miles out from my house
and how it calls to me nightly. I want to tell you
about the lake where I had my first kiss and
my first dive at loneliness and how it turns
inky black when you’re not watching.
I want you to know that I can’t cry anymore
as some broken time blocks my tear ducts,
and that I can’t even string a sentence up
properly without it fraying. I want you to know
I’m afraid of silence. I want you to realize
I can’t speak about myself without lying;
I don’t think you know how much
I don’t know. I don’t know why sometimes
when you stare at me I forget how to breathe
and speak like I know what I’m doing.
I don’t know what cosmic force keeps my heart beating
when my brain has stopped. I don’t know
how to forget, I don’t know where I’m going or
who I’m dragging with me. I don’t know
what political turmoil I’m stepping into,
or what parties to get trashed at, or
the difference between those two.
I want you to know I don’t know anything,
I’m not worth anything, but for
as long as I live, I will want
to know you.]
I’ve been in love with a boy
who’s too busy loving life to notice
I exist. I don’t think he’s ever seen me
past his tunnel vision living--
I’m in love with a boy who
wears black gauges and swears
he’s a deist who’s fed up with
the backwards-fucked system
that governs our lives; he talks to me
about the symbolic importance
of hunger and need and rebellion
and isolationism and death as
Orwell and Golding must have written it,
and, god, I just want to crack open
my ribs so he can see the literary
starvation destroying me, the not-quite
metaphoric devastation of my liver and
paper cuts scarring my heart. I want
him to talk to me about the reasons
we ought to avoid college
and capitalism and commitment and explain
to me what this all really means.
[I want to be so unflinchingly honest
with you that it will be as natural
and sinful as all the others
before, just without the glare
of bare skin and self-hate. I want to tell you
about the dam two miles out from my house
and how it calls to me nightly. I want to tell you
about the lake where I had my first kiss and
my first dive at loneliness and how it turns
inky black when you’re not watching.
I want you to know that I can’t cry anymore
as some broken time blocks my tear ducts,
and that I can’t even string a sentence up
properly without it fraying. I want you to know
I’m afraid of silence. I want you to realize
I can’t speak about myself without lying;
I don’t think you know how much
I don’t know. I don’t know why sometimes
when you stare at me I forget how to breathe
and speak like I know what I’m doing.
I don’t know what cosmic force keeps my heart beating
when my brain has stopped. I don’t know
how to forget, I don’t know where I’m going or
who I’m dragging with me. I don’t know
what political turmoil I’m stepping into,
or what parties to get trashed at, or
the difference between those two.
I want you to know I don’t know anything,
I’m not worth anything, but for
as long as I live, I will want
to know you.]
Literature
Relapse
It’s like counting
Saturn’s rings,
hash marks
along your limbs -
remembering a time
when
‘just one more’
made you feel better.
- & you’re sitting there
wondering why
Draco, stuck in limbo
always looks like he’s
falling.
-dp
Literature
dear,
when i first met you,
terror chilled down
the heat
of my
louisiana
spine.
i shivered
& my heart
began to build
walls over walls
over walls-
beating:
fuck this,
i won’t let them
hurt you, again.
i have a tendency
to get knocked
off my feet
& not know
how to get back up.
i’m still crawling around,
searching for your heart
beats under my bed
& between my tangled
sheets.
i am pathetic.
but,
you were all crooked,
misshapen insecurities
& nights of forgetting
to take your zoloft.
i didn’t think I would miss that.
i didn’t think I would miss you.
you fell like a meteor
for him, hours after
you demolished me.
& i ca
Literature
or maybe it actually is.
this
is not
a love poem:
this is not about
me and how i hate
the way realism tastes.
this is about you.
this is about how you
are one too many shades arrogant,
how nearly every night you
try to forget that time has
left you behind. this is
about your laugh and the way it
whispers "i can't remember
what i was like before i
became this." and,
if i'm being honest, this is about
how i will never see your too
cocky for your own damn good grin that
makes me go weak in the knees.
this is about you
and how you're not real and how i wish
to god that i wasn't either.
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he wears tacky hawaiian shirts and flip flops and gets stoned too often and is surrounded by people he hates. he knows way too much about politics and life and things that shouldn't matter and has the goddamn most beautiful smile that's so real it hurts
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Comments72
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i like it.