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there's something about those little broken
dreamer girls with misproportionate promises
and lingering whispers,
who walk like angels, lost, and trying
to find a way back home;
whose hearts bleed abnormally loud
and resonant- those girls with
shadows like ghosts [dead and haunting],
that make them a flavor
to taint your tongue.

if you listen close, you can hear the
unraveling words that once knit the hollow space
between their bones,
you can hear their shallow sighs like
sun sets for a final time.
you can hear their ticking time bomb lungs

and you can touch their secrets, because they
wear them on their skin. not like wounds,
more like sun kisses or wispy tattoos
ingrained into who they are; you won't know
what they mean until you connect the dots
and find answers in their questioning stares.

they'd like to remain something unknown, because
they've identified the world as a disease- vile and
insidious, with the capability of sinking
underneath your flesh and changing who you are.

these girls wince like lambs, aware of
wolves at their haunches; they hide
from open sky because they remember the day
it all came tumbling down.
they steal away, for some better purpose yet to be
understood or even explained.

there's something about them- their
moony eyes and mistrusting hands, their withdrawn
ideals that reflect their wilting nature;
those girls whose thoughts tremble when given a voice,
and who have built their foundation
upon a faulty philosophy of wishes

that makes them shine like heaven;
beckoning and enrapturing, more dazzling than
even their dreams had dared
[brilliantly, brightly, right before they
blow out]
catch a falling star, put it in your pocket
never let it fade away.


(So, you guys wanted more poems about me.)

I really recommend reading this aloud, if you have the opportunity.
Add a Comment:
 
:icondreamb1g:
DreamB1g Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wow.. this is breathtaking. Your words are very powerful. I'm captivated and amazed. Great job girl!
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my, thank you so much! :love:
Reply
:icondreamb1g:
DreamB1g Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome hun. :)
Reply
:iconhaanyaan:
Haanyaan Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Student Writer
wow.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconhaanyaan:
Haanyaan Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Student Writer
no problem :) :hug:
Reply
:iconop1ateddreems:
OP1atedDreems Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2012  Student Writer
I loved reading this aloud. And then letting all of those nicely stitched words bounce around my head. Excellent poem--absolutely gorgeous.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm very happy when my words can sound pretty, too. Thank you so much, any compliment from you means a lot to me :heart:
Reply
:iconop1ateddreems:
OP1atedDreems Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome!
Reply
:iconad-kins:
Ad-Kins Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012
Do you like the band Queen Adreena?
Something tell me that you would like them. The lyrics anyways.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
What's your favorite of their songs?
Reply
:iconad-kins:
Ad-Kins Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012
FM Doll
Pretty Like Drugs
Medicine Jar
Butcher and the Butterfly
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I wish I could fave this again... WHY WON'T IT LET ME? :iconwhyyounoplz:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
And then I was like... wow when did you write a poem about me? <3 This is so wonderful. I cried.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
;-; I'm sorry you cried but I am honored you could relate to it. Thank you so very much, dear :heart:
Reply
:iconkwatzhewrote:
KwatzHeWrote Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I loved this poem.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconloveislightblue:
Loveislightblue Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Why....are you so bloody amazing at writing? O: Bravo! Probably one of my absolute favourites! :)
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ahhhh! :faint: why are you so nice? Ohmygoodness, thank you so much! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconloveislightblue:
Loveislightblue Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure! It is a truly wonderful piece! Everything I read from you is such a breath of fresh air. :D
Reply
:iconevelyntaliette:
EvelynTaliette Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Student Writer
Absolutely beautiful. For once, I have no words because this has a strong, echoing voice that I am reluctant to overshadow or undermine.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my goodness. Thank you so incredibly much, you have made my day. I cannot believe it had such an impact. Simply, thank you, this means the world from such a powerful writer :heart:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Really beautiful write. Well-imagined and uniquely described. The first stanza caught my attention and the rest managed to keep it for the most part.

some lines I particularly enjoyed:
you can hear their shallow sighs like
sun sets for a final time.


and you can touch their secrets, because they
wear them on their skin. not like wounds,
more like sun kisses or wispy tattoos


I said "for the most part" earlier because I feel a rhythm was lost about half-way through. The descriptions became a little fuzzy,
less punchy.

Still, I think this is a solid piece.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I see what you mean about halfway through. I got off on a tangent in my head about how the world changed them. I cut a lot of it out, but I never got back to the same fluidity as the beginning- it was in a new tone.

Thank you so very much, for both your words and your helpful feedback. I really appreciate it :heart:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome
Reply
:iconirishbostonianmofo:
IrishBostonianMofo Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012
its funny, before i even read your description i read it out loud lol i got through the first verse and felt it was the type of poem to be read aloud hrdgr -rkejwoje so right too omg THAT WAS AMAZING like i literally dont know what else i can say other than motherfucking BRAVA <333 i adore the part at the end in brackets!!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh, I'm so happy! It's an absolute honor that you enjoyed it, and I am so glad you read it out loud as well. Thank you very very much! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconsovereignsin:
SovereignSin Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Student Writer
I'd have to say, I agree with the comment about going to a thesaurus. Everyone who's anyone knows that using larger, more obscure words to describe something is the way to go. It's truly the path to success, and I'm sure five years of experience would show it. (/sarcasm)

If ever there were a doubt in your mind as to your own ability, dear, I think it's high time to quash it. A little wordy, perhaps, and you do have a taste for the occasional adjective, but otherwise, it's a stellar piece. That it's a reflection of you only adds to its value. Beautiful to a fault; keep up the good work, kiddo.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so confused ;u; are you trying to still say I should use a thesaurus or did the sarcasm only apply to your statement about experience?

I think I may always doubt my writing.
Thank you, though :huggle:
Reply
:iconsovereignsin:
SovereignSin Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Student Writer
The sarcasm was in regards to both, dear.
Reply
:iconfragileloser:
FragileLoser Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, i love this more than words can say
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so glad you connected to it, thank you very much for the kind words! :heart:
Reply
:iconcrumbledwings:
CrumbledWings Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012
Awesomeness :)
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconseykloren:
Seykloren Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012
I have never in my life until now found and read apoem that describes me better....
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so happy you could relate to it, it means I have done my job right (: thank you very much :heart:
Reply
:iconetherealmartyr:
EtherealMartyr Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Absolutely, wonderfully beautiful poem. Amazing word choice and great imagery.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm absolutely honored you think so :heart: Thank you very very much for your kindness.
Reply
:icondeadly-x-nightshade:
Deadly-X-Nightshade Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
First off, this was my favorite line: "these girls wince like lambs, aware of wolves at their haunches,"
secondly, this is by far one of the most fascinating and unbelievably vividly written poems I've come across.

As both a writer and fan of poetry of all genres, I quite simply loved this! Beautifully done, keep up the excellent work!

:iconbravoplz:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
that was one of my favorite lines too, honestly (:
and thank you so incredibly much! I cannot tell you how happy that makes me, I really appreciate it :tighthug: again, thank you!
Reply
:icondeadly-x-nightshade:
Deadly-X-Nightshade Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
you're very welcome!:D it's always refreshing to come across such wonderful poetry!:hug:
Reply
:iconsylviaveir:
SylviaVeir Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is an absolutely stunning piece of writing and I am quite in love with it. Very well done!
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so honored you enjoyed my piece, thank you very much! :heart:
Reply
:iconsylviaveir:
SylviaVeir Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey, you are very welcome ;)
Reply
:iconwabitgirl:
wabitgirl Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012
I find it cliche, in imagery and in execution, but that's a personal opinion. Search for words that are new in their combinations, use a thesaurus if you have to, make it something completely irreproducible. I like it as a start, but it has places it can go that will make it a spectacular piece, instead of a moderate skim read.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
A lot of things, I've found, are cliches and I've come to expect that in writing. When I do put them to paper, though, I try the methods you suggested to make it something entirely my own.
So, I have to say, I'm a little surprised that is the flaw you found in this piece. I tried to use a lot of imagery in a new way to describe a persona we all know really well. But thank you very much for your feedback, I will certainly look into it and continue to make it a priority as I write.
Reply
:iconwabitgirl:
wabitgirl Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012
I can see the effort you put into it, and it's not bad. I'm just insanely critical when it comes to poetry and writing, legacy of years of editing and writing on my own time. I don't pretend to have all the answers, but yeah, if you keep working at it, I have no doubt that you'll just keep getting better. You've got a lot of skill and I do enjoy your work. I don't know how old you are, but you're not old and the longer you write, the more individualized your writing gets. I'm still way on my way to developing my own style, as you are to yours. It is good to hear that you're already working on it, though. Other than that, i don't really have a whole lot in terms of corrections for your piece, which is abnormal.
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Professional Writer
Finally a poetry piece that got popular without the use of a cover image. My personal thumbs up for this one. Well done and continue writing ^^ We need more lit. folk who aren't afraid to let their words speak for themselves :3

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I really appreciate it; I'm very excited (and surprised) so many people actually liked it :3 Thank you for your kind words! :iconlainloveplz:
Reply
:iconpluto785ronoh:
Pluto785Ronoh Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Theirs so much to say about this but so little words to use because its just that amazing
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