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:iconintricately-ordinary: More from intricately-ordinary


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All The Poets Come To Life by flummo

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Literature by SomethingOnceSacred


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December 23, 2012
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a sunset blister[pops] overhead, dripping
security. she kisses her lover and leaves
with splinters in lips. there are moments
when she swears she can hear a breath
rattling somewhere within his
reciprocating chest
she swears in vain

and sometimes it's like they recycled
an old day, it fits the same and that
is an alarming halt to progression-
she says, we have to move on

but she doesn't ever leave, feet buried
under years of promises and plans and
anxieties. she's had a bird cage by her bed
since she was a little girl (begging wounded
blue jays to escape)

the day won't break, he watches
her sleep uneasily, respiring
like coffee in the morning is not
a guarantee but a guillotine. he
watches her rise and fall
and the day won't break;

shadows linger on the porch and hide
between pavement cracks, waiting,
for the time when she says she sleeps
to leap into his palms and discolor his
sludgy veins

he smiles, too, crooked like a fence
about to fall. his eyes aren't attached,
they are black. he smiles.

and she sings, but only when the
moon isn't watching, of adventures
and heroes and redeeming dawns
and also about how she has to pick up
dinner on Tuesday

he never hears, he left his ears back
in a time when he really cared.
he just looks on, black eyes,
and nights are pink, too, when
she sleeps restlessly
   breathe in
   breathe out
and the moon isn't watching
and the day won't break

he says goodnight and she cries
so softly even the angels stop to weep
concrete feet and bruised smiles

(I think this one's really a hit or miss. Please tell me if I totally screwed this whole idea up.)
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:iconwannabeliterate:
wannabeliterate Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
What makes this hit that certain bruised and aching spot for me is the repetition of "the day won't break".
I mean, everybody always tells you that life goes on and tomorrow will be a new day...
But what if not? What if this time we wake up and everything will still be the same - and we are caught up in a glitch of time, where the twilight lasts, and the 'redeeming dawn' never comes... on one hand this is a very scary scenario, but on the other hand I remember times in my life, when I thought it should be just like that.

This is the cord this piece strikes in me, and again you succeed in expressing sentiments I didn't even know I was feeling so strongly about. YOU ARE AMAZING!


Well -
It's kind of embarrassing erupting in such spontaneous emotional statements when talking about a poem if you got it totally wrong, so in case this piece has a totally different meaning, please hide this comment... :)
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm actually quite glad you picked up on that. I had a minor storyline floating underneath this piece, but there were a few messages I wanted to stand out- and that was one of them. The inability to escape repetition of your own life. I'm so very delighted you picked up on it and even enjoyed it :heart:

you are so incredibly sweet! :tighthug: thank you for such a thoughtful comment and for being such a wonderful person.
Reply
:iconwannabeliterate:
wannabeliterate Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're sweet, but I only look wonderful from a distance :)
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:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Student Writer
Love this. I felt like it would've ended nicely even without the last two lines, but never mind.

"the day won't break, he watches
her sleep uneasily, respiring
like coffee in the morning is not
a guarantee but a guillotine. he
watches her rise and fall
and the day won't break;"
":heart::heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
To be honest, I included those lines because of a song I'm in love with~
"so like some hybrid mother slash lover she'd soothe and heal his wounds- kiss them dying ears so softly that the reaper stops to swoon"

And thank you so much, dear! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Student Writer
Woah, intense. What song is that? :O

Of course! :hug:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's called Yellow Cat Slash Red Cat [link]
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:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Student Writer
I appreciate any and all music that comes my way, so I'll give it a listen. :D
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:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
Well, I wouldn't say you screwed the idea up as much as I'm not entirely sure what the idea is. There's so much imagery in it, I have all of these pictures flashing through my mind as I go through each line, and it's kind of like wading through sand, but each grain is vibrant and different and I'm trying to take in every single one of them but I'm overwhelmed by the all-encompassing, blinding beauty of it. I can't quite see the forest for the trees, here.

Once again, your first sentence in the description--"Concrete feet and bruised smiles." A lot of this poem makes me think of abuse, an unhealthy relationship, something they both want out of in one way, but are unwilling to part from in another.

Maybe I'm just dim. :lol:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Nope, that was exactly it. That was my experimental part of the poem, aside from a few mentions, I tried to be really discreet. I had my own message, and I wanted to see if that came through with other people as I told events and not emotions. But, yes, you hit the nail on the head! I'm very happy about that, thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
Yay, that makes me happy, too. You're welcome. :heart: :3
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:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012
:iconotlplz:
dA doesn't like me today. I couldn't read your Art of Detachment poem right before this one. :noes:

THE END IS NIIIIIIIGHHHH
(now to read this one)
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
absolutely lovely.
and so very very sad.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
of course! <3
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
... I'll be honest... Listening to "A Simple Mistake", I had a strange emotive release in this work... like glass-house...

the relationship between the two was... sweet... it showed that the girl had reason to hold onto him... but when he left... he left in the most subtle way possible...

the quiet way...

Only problem I'd be having is the title... "embedded" doesn't do justice to the story, in my opinion. This work is subtle - very subtle; something like... "pin down (pop, flow)" or "she (he)... we (us)... me (you)" or something along those lines would have worked out fine...

As for the poem, its free verse, so I can't help that much there... if you want to go back of course; I'm fine with the poem... it isn't a first read arrangement, though, but the story is good...
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I wanted the title to be subtle, too. It's about a woman who can't leave her relationship, however toxic- so I used embedded to describe that notion of being stuck and also as a little play on words because I talk about her sleeping a few times.
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
... That does happen in "embedded", yeah... alright, thanks again.
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
she says, we have to move on

but she doesn't ever leave, feet buried
under years of promises and plans and
anxieties. she's had a bird cage by her bed
since she was a little girl (begging wounded
blue jays to escape)


What an image.. :heart:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:love: thank you so much!
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
A pleasure! :heart:
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:icondannymechanist:
DannyMechanist Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
powerful :)
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug: thank you so much!
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:icondannymechanist:
DannyMechanist Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:)
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:iconevelyntaliette:
EvelynTaliette Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Student Writer
I think the very beginning is a nice lead-in for all this- the "popping" immediately makes you think of releasing tension, and the poem gradually descends thereof. Though, I'm a bit unsure about this one as well- but then again I'm not all that knowledgeable when it comes to poetry. Pretty good nonetheless!
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
*0hgravity brought up that it might read better rewritten into prose. I agree, I think it came out a new way in my head than most of my ideas before have. Thank you for the feedback!
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:iconhelldalgo:
Helldalgo Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Feels like the collapse of something that used to be special. A very cathartic read. :)
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your interpretation! :heart: I'm very happy.
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Student Writer
Aw... you really didn't... it's so sad...
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you, sweetheart :heart:
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome!
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hmmm, I have to agree with you. I'm a bit on the fence with it. I like the story feel of it and I wonder then if it would work better as prose.

Some really nice lines throughout, anyway. A beautiful write but yes the structure is a little off for me.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hmm I hadn't thought of it like that. I agree. Maybe I'll redo it sometime into prose and leave the stanzas behind. It would be a good way to start story-writing again.

Thanks for the honest feedback.
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem :)
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:iconmelodysnow:
melodysnow Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012
*lovelovelove* So beautiful! :heart:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:love: that means the world! Thank you so much :huggle:
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:iconmelodysnow:
melodysnow Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012
:huggle:
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:icondogmatickerr:
DogmaticKerr Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The piece seems to exude such a hushed air of an... intimate breakdown. The trains of thought passing in a perpetual twilight. The intimacy of being able to see this is such a jarring difference from the outright awkward quiet of the pair described... :heart: it's very atmospheric. Ambient. I love it.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, even after uploading it, I'm still unsure how I feel about the structure and dynamics of this piece. I love the way you put it, though. "intimate breakdown" is the perfect way to describe it. I wanted to get as close to the story as I could without assuming first or second person narration. Thank you so much for the feedback! :heart:
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:icondogmatickerr:
DogmaticKerr Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome Miss Intimate! I know the feeling, but you really did quite wonderfully. Something I really love about all of you're writing so far is just how understandable it is - I remember 'learning' about poetry and other writing forms back in school and my GOD was so much of that stuff utterly indecipherable! I never felt that the point of poetry was to feel like a WWII code breaker, which a lot of that stuff made me feel like. Yours... flows, it speaks - the language is intricate and crafted, but not cryptic. The imagery was pretty clear and the emotions as well - so success!

And you are, of course, always welcome miss :bow: :heart:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so happy to hear that! I'm definitely miles from the quality of any textbook poetry, which has its advantages and downfalls. I'm so glad my work's understandable, though! :la:
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:icondogmatickerr:
DogmaticKerr Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
;D Too cute! Hmm, it's really hard to say as, in the end, a lot of things are just so subjective - I, for one, have never been able to 'properly' appreciate many 'classics' and have only a passing appreciation for textbooks! Sure, they can teach, but are they really a measure? Perhaps I am just combative - but I was never overly-impressed with much of what I read in school. Maybe we just had bad book lists ;D

And yes, it is, wonderfully so :bow:
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:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012
This is..interesting. I was a little thrown off at first by the rhythm in the first half of this poem, the disjointedness. However, you crushed the second half of this, it is lovely, and poignantly written.
Favorite lines:
"and she sings, but only when the
moon isn't watching, of adventures
and heroes and redeeming dawns
and also about how she has to pick up
dinner on Tuesday"
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It was a new piece for me in a lot of ways. I tried to phrase things differently and really give it the flow of a story. and, thank you :heart: I'm so glad to know you liked those lines.
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