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I hate to break it to you but we're all betting on the day when
your nightmares will swallow you whole and you won't
remember how to open your eyes. we forget your voice,
it broke and no one buried the pieces. we're giving you up:
secessions (your ribcage is a civil war, your heart is the victim.
there will be no memorial; there are only red flags)
obsessions pick your bones dry, vulture needs, vulgar
mortality argues at least you're not alive

at least you can't see us anymore, counting the knots
in your neck and catastrophes in your mouth. in
your summer cage you were a soggy butterfly bearing
a cumbersome cross. now, we leave you naked and
seizuring on winter's doorstep as the little lamb who
never loved enough.

they haven't paid you for the dreams you pawned years ago
in exchange for a little sleep, no, they tied more rocks to your
ankles and begged you to fly - they said they traded your
misformed hopes for something a bit more fitting, a solid
dose of reality with a hint of self-hatred. (why can't you leave?)

this is not life, and death was never so clumsy - you are  the
static lovechild of backwards limbo. instead of sending you off
to where you deserve, we launch you back into yourself -
the echoes sound familiar, paranoia is a friend: the only one
you know; selfish, he steals your bed and says his is the only way

out. escapes are not highlighted, they are blurry misnomers
taking you farther into the horrors of who you shouldn't be. you
bide the time in fairy tales of places you'll never see. (love
stories are sin and sin is acceptance) you will welcome someone
in between the burning of your thighs and you will wait
for them to put you out. [until they put you out.] you will
mourn for another lost light and carry its memory as a
layer of your identity: you are the indistinct specter

in the corner, made of onionskin. we peel you back and cry.
there are things we don't want to see, oh, we never wanted
to see your skeleton invert and your teeth crumble and your
walls come tumbling down. we never wanted to see the truth
shivering as it dies out; we're just betting on the day, now,
when you'll finally see it, too.
You stop being a little girl when you forget the reason you cry.

Read by the astounding *disrhythmic (this is exactly how it sounded in my head! :la:)

For #theWrittenRevolution
Which parts are strongest? Are any weak? Does the flow work from stanza to stanza? Is the length beneficial or harmful to the integrity of the piece? Any other thoughts or feedback.

Critiques for TWR: [link] [link]
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:iconvioletense:
violetense Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Student Writer
The first three lines brought tears to my eyes.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
oh gosh, you're wonderful :huggle:
Reply
:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2013
"You are the static lovechild of backwards limbo." :faint:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
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:iconzaquiastorm:
ZaquiaStorm Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013
:happybounce::heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013   General Artist
My god maddie, this is just beyond! :love:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
my goodness you are just too sweet to be real :tighthug:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013   General Artist
Super glue sticks to you! :giggle:
:tighthug: :heart: :heart: :heart:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Student Writer
This was incredibly intense, and I love it. Lotsa beautiful lines here, the second stanza and:

"they haven't paid you for the dreams you pawned years ago
in exchange for a little sleep"

"this is not life, and death was never so clumsy - you are the
static lovechild of backwards limbo." :heart::heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Awww you're so lovely :tighthug:
Reply
:iconblack-rose-in-bloom:
Black-Rose-In-Bloom Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is just... amazing. My mind is blown. I love this a thousand times.

There ARE no weak points. It's all absolutely stellar. Really. I love the acridness of the piece, it really helps convey the feelings behind the words. The rhythm is really workable while still maintaining the integrity of a freeform poem. The length is perfect too; too much more and some attention spans would begin wandering, and any less and I'd feel like a core idea of this poem would be missing.

It's really streamlined in the sense that it's rhythm is broken, which contributes beautifully to the broken and cold lines of the verses.

Oh, and I love the bit with the parentheses. It drew me back to e e cummings for a moment or two.

You work witchcraft with words, my dear. You've created a literary work of art that has seized me by the soul and clutched at my mind with nimble, eager fingers.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for such a beautiful comment. I'm so sorry I took so long to respond. I had it in my inbox forever looking at it when I felt down... :blush:

You are just far too kind. I'm absolutely honored you think so; I tried to incorporate all these details so it would have that effect and it makes me so touched to know it actually worked.

And you even compared me to e e cummings :love:

Thank you so very much :heart: You are fantastic.
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is really wonderful, dear. I'm loving the language and the way it lashes out so calmly - complete control. Oh yes, good stuff, indeed.

And the reading was right on. I enjoyed that. :)
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm honored to hear that! And I know, isn't *disrhythmic just lovely? :love:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
She is! As are you, love. :heart:
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:iconlombregrise:
lombregrise Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Professional Writer
Beautiful text - and great reading.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:iconknow-it-like-a-poet:
Know-It-Like-A-Poet Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Student General Artist
I'm a little girl! I'm afraid that doesn't explain my penis though...
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
is this supposed to be a joke...? I'm normally really easy going about things but I don't see the humor nor relevance of this comment, and I actually find it edging on rude due the the content of the poem.
Reply
:iconknow-it-like-a-poet:
Know-It-Like-A-Poet Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Student General Artist
It was. but if you're offended then just hide it or mark as spam.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Tone is hard to interpret over the internet. I suggest you be careful where you use crude humor. You could really crush someone unintentionally or gain an enemy from a stupid offhand remark.
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:iconvoltairemarx:
voltairemarx Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Critique will come tomorow love, Remind me :3
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
you're sweet :)
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
oh, now I see. It makes much more sense now that it's been read aloud. I heard it so much differently in my head.

Strange how that works.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so glad! ^^; I was really anxious for a while.

It's okay, hehe, my head does that all the time. There was one power to the people poem that I TOTALLY read differently as promoting corporations... but that's also because I'm silly xD
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
no reason to be. I'm just one opinion among many.

hehehe, oops. Yeah, I think, like I said, I have
a strange sensitivity to pieces like this. especially now.

to be honest it sounded like the stuff happening with my brother
so you know, instead of hearing a soft, sinister Dizzy voice, I heard my Dad's.
can you say projecting.
Reply
:iconstara-aquila:
Stara-Aquila Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Student Writer
Shiiitt. That was awesome. Holy god. This piece of writing should marry me. xD
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh wow you're lovely :heart:

hehe, it is single :D
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:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
"in
your summer cage you were a soggy butterfly bearing
a cumbersome cross. now, we leave you naked and
seizuring on winter's doorstep as the little lamb who
never loved enough."
Reply
:icontravelgirlxx:
travelgirlxx Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
Yes.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug:
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:icontravelgirlxx:
travelgirlxx Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
:D I am still processing. I'm sure I'll critique it when I have more coffee in my system.
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
Also would you mind if I read this out loud for #Elocutionists? :heart:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
that was gorgeous <3
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013
Oh, thank you! :heart:
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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure *_*
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
asdfhshjkgashdjgahjewhkjtewuw yes! Link me the blog post so I can put it up when you're done! :heart:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
sdfsdfdsfsdf omg yay I'll read it tonight and link you so you can listen to it before I post it, yeah? :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
yay!
if you want to, I already know I'll love it because it's from you ;p
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
[link] :heart:

I hope you like it. :huggle:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
yesyesyes a thousand times yes! :tighthug:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
:squee:

It's up! [link]
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
And linked! :heart:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
(your ribcage is a civil war, your heart is the victim.
there will be no memorial; there are only red flags)


God, yes. This whole thing, just. Yes.
Reply
:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
Now that I've had the time to really appreciate this.. I've decided it's in the top 3 poems I have ever read. Im not sure who you meant the two entities to be, but as I read it, I heard the taunts and jeers of a cruel world as the first voice..the "we" speaking to me, or perhaps another victim of insensitivity. This piece is dark, and the previous comment is somewhat correct.. there is no hope. That was the point for me. It's sad and dark and gloomy and absolutely beautiful.

" (your ribcage is a civil war, your heart is the victim.
there will be no memorial; there are only red flags)"

This imagery is wonderful.. on point.

" now, we leave you naked and
seizuring on winter's doorstep as the little lamb who
never loved enough."

this is full of despair.. and I read sarcasm into this as well..the little lamb i'm sure has loved plenty, but he/she believe it has never been enough because the world says it is so.

"you are the indistinct specter
in the corner, made of onionskin. we peel you back and cry.
there are things we don't want to see, oh, we never wanted to see your skeleton invert and your teeth crumble and your walls come tumbling down."

This is brilliant.. a really good look at those who say they know, or want to see..want to help, but cannot bear what lies beneath the layers.. again, this is beautiful.

Im so in love with this poem.

P.S. I am not the loveliest. black sheep are always ugly. :)
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
oh wow ;u; I am so incredibly honored to hear all this, and your interpretations of it, too. I'm absolutely touched you feel love my poem, thank you so much :huggle: I just wish I had more to say but you've stunned me speechless.

PS ohyeahright! [link]
Reply
:iconmozartsnemesis:
MozartsNemesis Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013
Im so blown you found a picture of little black lambs.. and sent me the link for it. lol.. you made my day.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug: I'm so glad!
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
well that was...dark, to say the least.

hmmm, some really nice lines throughout, a few of my favorites:

in your summer cage you were a soggy butterfly bearing a cumbersome cross.

this is not life, and death was never so clumsy - you are the
static lovechild of backwards limbo. instead of sending you off
to where you deserve, we launch you back into yourself -


--I liked the idea of backwards limbo

and you will wait
for them to put you out. [until they put you out.] you will
mourn for another lost light and carry its memory as a
layer of your identity: you are the indistinct specter


--not just because there is mention of ghosts, hehe. I like the repetition and use of brackets there - it is very effective.

great flow throughout too.

I think the only problem I had with this piece is the tone. To be frank, the narrator pissed me off, haha. That of course is highly subjective and perhaps you intended to evoke such a reaction from the reader. I guess I'm a little confused as to the relationship between narrator and this poor second person. It sounds to me like the second person is throwing their life away (which may just be a projection on my part) and the narrator is berating them for it and somewhat lamenting over them as a family, friend or something of the like (unfortunately this tiny morsel of sympathy was brought up in the tail end of the piece and by then I had kind of checked out emotionally).

So what do you do with this sort of criticism? Well my suggestion, and this may be extremely difficult to do so you may just want to file it away in the brain for future writes, my suggestion is you add a little hope, a little love/compassion, into the voice of the narrator. Right now I'm having a hard time connecting with the piece because it seems to lack those warmer aspects of a human being trying to "save"/"wake up" another lost human being. Of course, there are people out there who when dealing with this sort of person take the "tough love" approach...in the first stanza you did make it clear this narrator and his/her backing army of "we" are angry and fed-up but I glimpsed no hope. As much as people don't want to hope anymore in this kind of situation, are tired of hoping, they still hope in some teeny tiny way, right? I think so, anyway.

I believe I've taken issue with this kind of tone before in another writer's piece. Back then, I blamed it on their use of second person. Maybe I am just particularly sensitive to this kind of tone.

Anyway, those are my two cents.
In summary: very well-written, great flow, some beautiful and intriguing lines. had to somewhat check out emotionally to read the piece.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for your feedback, especially the comment on the tone. It's something I've been stewing over all day. In poetry, at least, I often don't think about the method of narration aside from what will create the strongest message for what I'm saying: something within or outside the story. Since I never think outside that into developed characterization of the narrator (excluding first person pieces) I don't think about what effect the narrator might have on a story when they are not specifically described.

I was considering, after this comment, if I could find a way to transition it to third or first person. A few of the lines "I hate to break it to you..." make that really difficult :D

I suppose the reason I chose second person was not to give a deliberate second party as a narrator but almost to give that impartial, yet still personal, tone of "this is what happened" instead of "this happened to me". When I read it to myself I see it as the way someone talks to a mirror or talks to themselves... I never pictured a specific angered friend or family member. I definitely see how it comes off as such, though.

It would be difficult to add compassion and love to this piece, haha. I'd have to write a few more lines and take a few out. I may do that later on when I can distance myself enough from what the words are actually saying.

But truly, thank you for your critique. I never would've seen that on my own and I will definitely be applying what you said to other things I write in the future. I probably won't be using second person for a while xD

Thank you :heart:
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